You have no further
justification. Alanna admitted that she loved me. That she might have lied to
you only reflects upon intentions which I know about, alone. I cannot vouch for
her vindictiveness, but that is only because where she would be subtle in
exacting vengeance I would have been more direct, on her behalf as well as in
her place for my own sake.
She’s visited me
since. Her presence is a state of mind in and of itself. I used to think she
was haunting me in search of blood. But it was not so. She was guiding me
towards greatness. To leave you behind, though she could not.
Why should I doubt
it? Have I ever taken more from the collective jar than what was due to all of
us? Have I asked more of life? I speak in metaphor only because the logic on
its own is far too obvious; if you’ve not figured it all out by now, I will
gain nothing by explaining it to you.
You will not darken
my view of the world by acting as though any public would defend you. That
something slipped past a defense and cannot be reversed does not mean it will
ever be condoned. Any attempts you make to scapegoat me for narcissism will be totally
transparent, as will be attempts to scapegoat me for scapegoating. Your attempts
to demean me have been psychopathic, and if I were to internalize them I would
be psychotic. No one has ever deserved the fate I’ve had to go through. No
public would defend it. My virginity remains as testament not only to my
dignity but to your own attempts to undermine it; paradoxically, had I lost
that same virginity, I would retain the dignity, for I would lose it by
legitimate means, and within my means. Yet the fact I’ve not lost it yet shows
you have robbed me of the opportunity, and that I’ve taken no chances within
the place of this legitimacy has preserved my dignity. But you cannot know what
that’s like.
This I know not only
because I made sure of it, but because, even in the wake of catastrophic
failure, she reminded me.
I did nothing wrong.
I need not pretend towards humility. I have it, without any pretense. I did not
expect matters to favor me, but I knew they would sooner favor me by rights
than they could favor you. I did not hold you in such low esteem so as to think
you’d try to turn them in your favor. I simply knew my turn and opportunity once
I saw her. You simply let your pursuit of a nihilistic excess rob us both of
Life. But I survived her Death, and by so doing I have mastered Death. Death is
no problem to me now. She has returned to tell me what it truly is.
It is fantastic. But
I’m in no hurry. Maybe you should be. But maybe not.
Dm.A.A.
