EGO:

I think that finally I understand it. You see, if I had been selfish in the slightest then I would have done my part to keep this all from happening. I would be led then to believe, or I am led NOW to believe, that he would have had no regrets about it. But lo and behold: I let it happen, without knowing it was possible. And now that I hate him for doing it, he feels betrayed!! Had I simply restricted him, then he would have been blameless, but of COURSE I am a fool for not having EXPECTED him to so betray my trust. This is not mitigated by the fact he KNOWS exactly what he did. Now he seems to believe I wish to salvage my own selfishness, for altruism failed to get me what I want, and by doing so LATE I can afford to blame him for it. Well: he’s right. I CAN afford to blame him for it. But the fact remains that I salvage my self-interest because I was NOT self-interested to begin with, so selfishness does not concern my character. There’s no way around that fact. People like him just cannot help but tear me down. They know I’m smart enough to see the worst in them, and so long as I do that I corroborate their view of EVERY one. Even if it is ONLY them that I find evil in, by scapegoating them for the evils of my Life I only prove myself to be a part of those same Evils of the World. It’s really very cowardly of him. I’m smart enough to see right through it, but I want more than to be intelligent. I really want to be KIND, like I was when I was young, before I even knew that I was smart. Intelligence people would recognize in me, but kindness I saw in myself before they did. It is too personal to squander on those who are so divorced from it they think it to be a delusion. I get people. It’s just that if I cannot fool myself into believing they are Better, or that they CAN be, then I risk going totally insane. I MUST gamble upon them, constantly, in order to feel totally alive. I must make myself vulnerable. Just to try to prove what only by an act of courage in this way can I prove: that someone would follow my example, and by doing so the World becomes a brighter, better place. I think they KNOW that that is what I’m doing. And they know that it’s so crazy that I have to tell myself that I will never be betrayed, that evil is a figment of my own imagination, just to keep on doing it. Yet so what if I’m proven wrong? So what if I can’t sleep, while he is fucking someone that I love to death? So what? I saw it coming. It was just my ego which could not accept it. Most egos will work towards the establishment of some dominion within the World. Mine cannot do that; it must by necessity EXPECT accommodation, for my Soul accommodates it as it nurtures all Beings. Nothing can justify the slight against my Soul. But while my Soul can weather it, my mind cannot. My Soul knows there’s this Other Side to people. But my ego’s not a coward for ignoring it. It’s still the ego of a hero. When these cowards see my ego writhing, they see themselves in it, terrified of ever being put into its posture. That is why they are not communists; the greatest evil in their world is that which forces them to trust their neighbours, knowing just how evil their neighbours can be, for they are themselves just as evil. But is that not enough reason to be forced to be Better?? Of course it is, and I do not deny that’s easy for me to say. I’ve earned that right by giving so much of my own Life up to Human Life Itself. So what do these cowards do? They see my ego writhing, and they seem themselves within it, and they think it foolish for having allowed itself to fall into despair, pretending towards that Dignity which no ego can have, projecting that same Dignity upon others as if that burden was their own. But this says nothing of the Soul. For that ego was noble, loyal to the Soul as friends are loyal to each other. And the Soul needed the ego to look past the evils of the World and to see some Good in these people, even at their most horrid of moments. That was why I could not sleep. Because my waking mind had had enough.

[({Dm.A.A.)}]