Public Letter to A.S.F.:

This may very well be the last time that I try to contact you, so pay attention.

I told you specifically last time not to reply to me. You did so any way. This overstepped my boundaries. It was totally unjustified.

I don't know what happened to the naiive idealist that I cared about. But then I am reminded of Alexandra and how she saw so much evil in you. She must have been right. Don't worry. I still agree with you: she is a bitch. But it takes one to know one. Both your stories check out against one an other. You were both passive-aggressive, self-entitled people but in ways that could not co-exist.

What bothers me is how you treat me. You treat me unfairly. And I would expect you to ask "Why?" with some concern for this fact rather than defending your self. You have nothing to defend your self from. Honestly, self-defense is a right I don't ascribe to you.

I know this. Because I'm the one who's been mistreated.

Here's my question: why do you take out your own frustrations with this Kresten character on me? I told you well enough to leave him be, and that I wanted nothing to do with him. Yet I had been generous enough to allow you my perspective. It was objective enough that it needed not be expressed, but I thought I had nothing to lose by accommodating you. I was wrong. You violated my boundaries.

So i repeat: why take it out on me? You were so hostile towards me as to blame me for my views on homosexuality, which were fairly unemotive and practical. So how could you find it in your heart to distance me for months after the fact, forgetting in that time that I was trying to get back in touch then with Alanna, and that you were less entitled to her company than I, your having called her a "bitch" based on gossip wherein you had no objective stance, for I'd not told you what had happened? And how could you turn to the oppressor in the circumstance for his opinion and hope to use it as a substitute? Obviously, you knew enough to see who'd taken advantage of whom. What more did you feel you needed? In LIGHT of all that, was my position on emotive sexuality not justified, or at least understandable? How could you condemn me for my hatred? After all, I was generous enough then to accommodate even my own OPPRESSOR'S stance. Yet far from severring all ties with KRESTEN for holding these views, you still spent TIME with him, and you failed even to REPORT to me that he was STILL in contact with Alanna!

So exactly what snuck into your heart like a worm that told you Kresten's homophobia was justified but not mine? Are you so prone to this myth now of the ALPHA-MALE that not only his sexual appetitites but his sexual OPINIONS he is entitled to? Are you so fucking AUTHORITARIAN (to put it gently) that you would condemn me for holding a view that only HE was WORTHY of holding?

I'm GUESSING that you asked HIM about how he felt about homosexuals, right? And that he cited all the same statistics that he showed to me and Rob. That you had to confront the bare facts of this terrible perversion and the TRUTH would have been shocking. Why then though did you not condemn Kresten for violating his own principles by seeking after some one lustfully? Has any homosexual you know ever come between you and some one that you were entitled to?

Hm. But that is but the beginning. For I've noticed that I have been very soft on you. I only required that you follow through with every thing you cared about. But let me guess: You do not like to be told what to think. You do not like to be held accountable to an other's needs. You feel as though you are being extorted. You suspect the need to DISTANCE your self from this person. Otherwise who KNOWS what vengeance he will breed, lying in wait for some one to upset his LUDICROUS and ARBITRARY standards just so that he can feel JUSTIFIED in his predation upon others?

My mistake, I guess. I figured it was not only just but PREFERRED that you be treated that way. I honored both Golden Rule and Silver Rule in that respect: Golden because that was how I'd been treated, Silver because that's what OBVIOUSLY you'd preferred. For how ELSE did Kresten treat you? I would IMAGINE that he treated you in quite the same way he had all ways treated me.

His violation was of naught but the same standards that he had placed upon me. So how can you defend him, if he's violated them? And why would YOU then violate them, even as you now defend HIM?

I suppose you must just not HAVE any values. That was honestly my just conclusion.

You know: I have all ways wondered how it is that you put up with Kresten. You are so soft, really. So touchy when people judge you. So opposed towards any sort of moral preaching. So why would you even try to spend TIME with some one as self-righteous and domineering as Kresten Taylor?

And then I thought (as I can do so with relatively less pain) of the night that he Alanna and I hung out at my home. And every stance he took he took against me. Every chance he took and it incensed me. Every glance he took he made me look inferior. Every chance he took he took to look superior.

And if my head had not been spinning

to believe that he was winning

in a game I had not known that we were playing

I would have found it much less dismaying

and I would have burst into outrage

for he had lied to me.

And now he stood upon that same damn stage

lying to my bride-to-be.

But I know you, Andrew.

You are much too smart to be fooled by a person who changes faces depending on the climate.

There's a hierarchy made of social graces,

but you'd never climb it.

It could not have been in private

that he saw a sucker full of joy

and trying to create a world

that he sought to destroy.

To fuck over and toy with

And to hold to his own

standards. (Mine and his)

but just to justify

his own being-a

bastard.

I doubt he'd mastered YOU,

Andrew. Who knew

from years of education.

The kind of sick plots that rot

within a cynical

imagination.

And the clinical deception

of this Kresten. Just supposing

as the story goes that he had never

been disposed to practice what he preached

but used it to catch us and each

of us he told a different tale

so that he'd get what he needed and to prevail.

I doubt that he saw me well-meaning

but full of a righteous valour

and decided to be so demeaning

just so as to side-step me

no. What kind of a man can find it

in his power. How can some one have been

such a coward as to operate so

gracelessly?

But let's be blunt.

he was a cunt.

Who Satan sent to punish

Saints. Who would compete

Against me without my consent

For some one that I would acquaint.

Yeah. I’m guessing that he never held you to the standards that he held ME to. There is no way that I was actually guilty of every thing he had accused me of being. Just little by little over all the years I had developed this spot of my psyche dedicated to “The Needs and Views of Kresten”. I even began to feel that my own life was simply a supporting role in his; so proud was I of such a steadfast love in so grand a friend. For I KNEW that he’d live up to every value and I only sought not to offend him even if I knew that he would misconstrue what I would do. Knowing he only cared about the values selflessly. And about me and you.

I know he could not have seen through to me without seeing just how well-meaning I was. Even when he wanted nothing to do with me it was because he knew that we were starting to catch onto his damn ruse. So he could only get out easy if he’d be the first one to refuse.

Why did I all ways have to go where HE wanted to go? Because he had the car? That didn’t matter to me. How was it I was in his debt for those times that I did not even ENJOY, much less employ?

Why did HE have to be the leader of a two-man band? Why was MY suffering not real, but his was?

And I realize he lied. There is no WAY he saw a DROP of evil within me.

Even as I write this I am transmuted in my self-image from the conniving worm I have been made to feel my self to be. For I could only justify Kresten’s existence by imagining him to be such a worm, striving towards the same sanctity that I am striving for presently.

Fuck that. I’m no worm. I am a bear. He is the tapeworm in my stomach. I’m the host. He is the parasite.

But I can’t shed my passive aggressive sarcasm quite yet.

Because I might be wrong.

It might be that he treated you as badly.

But you took it out on me because he’s tougher than you. And you thought that I could handle it.

Or may be you are just a sociopath.

At any rate, if any of this is news to you, I assure you it’s not all.

I just figured that YOU would not fall for the villainy of GOSSIP.

Just know this: I have been blessed with being Kresten’s personal slave, constantly in debt to him for his generosity for it is he who knows how to drive, how to save money, and how to fuck.

But it’s an HONOR. You know why?

Because he chose me to REWARD me for how loving and self-sacrificing I was. Knowing that I’d never be able to convince YOU of any of this. If I tried to treat his friends the way that I’d been treated, I could not pretend that I would ever see his ass defeated. For you’d never handle the same language. The same form. That within his languishing companionship I’d learned to be the norm.

Oh, and he was still bitter about Alexandra. As though that bitch had not fucked me up enough without her fucking psychotic unrequited lovers acting vengeful all around me.

I hope it flatters you to know that you were never quite so virtuous for him to exploit. Only stupid enough for him to flatter. And to “defend” from your own damned decay into depression. I all ways wondered why you’d never come to ME, my having conquered it since before yours EVEN BEGAN.

But then I am reminded of how he had been there, plotting for your own unhappiness, each time I told you to just suck it up and be a man.

What’s fucked up is you TOO held me to such a standard. But not one of you followed that masculine path, nor that stoic plan.

So you can see why I had to be rid of both of you.

Don’t bother to reply; I shall not read it.

For ONCE I need to be heeded.

Without Truth being so contradicted

That it’s reduced to opinion.

By gossips who walk into other’s topics

Unrestricted. And are then seduced

Into dominion.

Dm.A.A.