APOTHEOS!S of ROMANT!K FREEDOM:

I don’t think I told you this part. I must not have, since it’s irrefutable.

The last time that I saw her, back in 2016, was when she had made it clear that she wanted one thing and one thing only out of life: to be a musician.

This was to be achieved by bringing the band back together, with her as the lead vocalist. I don’t know why I thought I told you this part. Maybe I presumed that the whole Universe was privy to it.

At first, I did not understand what she needed me for. Why didn’t she just give Kresten her orders? He had slept with her five times. The burden was upon him; a refusal would certainly have called him into disdain in the company of all her other suitors. He had consummated their love; if he was to absolve himself of guilt, he had to validate it. Besides: foremost among her slighted suitors was me, and he had yet to atone for the offence. No one ever questioned my commitment to her; they only struggled with the honesty with which I expressed my indignation. I was certain that, if worst came to worst, my authority, after five years of loyalty to him, would suffice. At the very least, I’d earned the assurance that her safety was vouched for. How else was I to forgive myself for their acquaintance?

He refused. He let her die. He even accused me of self-interest.

ME!! Accused by HIM.

Since then, I have had absolutely no respect for formal relationships. I also know whom to blame for her death. I can forgive the Kresten in myself, the Kresten in my dreams, but the real Kresten can never be forgiven.

I hope that everybody in this generation gets at least one chance to be loved in such a way that one’s own partner does not, for only then will people understand that love is unconditional and spontaneous, devoid of rules. How perverse are we that young people would not consider it romantic? How self-entitled are they to behave with propriety?

I’m sure your partner loves you. You are fortunate. But, as for me, these last ten years have only corroborated my fears. I lost my head when Alexandra broke up with me. She seemed like my only chance. So far, everyone, including you, has corroborated this fear. So be it. Perhaps I AM doomed to die alone. It’s out of my hands. But, by that exact same token, I am an absolute free agent. No one can judge my feelings. No one.

Dmytri.