If we are to be civilised, one must presume that the other will not presume. If one presumes that the other will presume correctly, then the other is entitled to presuming incorrectly. If one presumes that the other will not presume, then the other is not entitled to presume incorrectly.
If I were to presume upon what others expect of me, I should limit them to those presumed expectations. This presumption creates a mold which is entirely personal and topical to me.
I cannot read their minds. The overwhelming illusion that I can would be mere participation mystique: Practical for tribal man, but wholly inappropriate for civilised man.
If I should presume upon these expectations consistently, affirming my own mold ten times out of ten, and even if I may be right nine times out of ten, I would be wrong the tenth time. If this tenth time were insubstantial, my presumption would be wholly justified. Yet if that one time out of ten that I am wrong I have missed the fleeting opportunity of a fate that dramatically surpasses the other nine fates and that would have laid memory of them to waste, it is understandable that a crippling depression should follow once I have inevitably failed to break my own mold at the moment of Exception.
Even if others expect something from me that I may identify, I could only have faith in such an expectation by tribal reasoning. I would know it not by immediate experience so much as by memory of past events, which would know nothing of the possibility of change.
Here, a single line of dichotomy may be drawn between two distinct attitudes: That of the Adolescent* and that of the Adult.
The Adolescent presumes upon the expectations of others, following them consistently with the inevitability of being wrong the tenth time.
The Adult defies this presumption and in fact pretension. He or she breaks out of his or her mold, taking full responsibility for his or her own presumptions and their probable fallacy.
The Adolescent perpetuates his or herself by pleasing others. The Adult daily reinvents his or herself by taking chances. When one defies the expectations of others, the Adult recognises, one may run the risk of disappointment, yet usually not only this risk but most importantly this fate is marginal. The risk of being "wrong" pales in comparison to the rewards of being "right", for one so surpasses the expectations of others that, should they be receptive, which may be a matter of their personal discipline, they would feel themselves to be a part of a Greater Good, enriched.
The task of the Adult is more difficult because it is much like a game of hot-potato. Once one has broken out of one's own mold, the responsibility is passed to the other. The other can then choose how to respond to the unexpected change. In some cases, it will, as I have aforementioned, be a matter of exercising the personal discipline necessary to adapt to an advantageous and progressive change. Yet in situations wherein, either by choice or by destiny, one is in disfavour of the unexpected outcome, the responsibility still rests in Expressing this dissatisfaction to the original Adult. This game of hot-potato, wherein at any instant someone is responsible and at any instant one may be faced with a responsibility, is the essence of the Adult life. It is absent in the relative comfort of the Adolescent Life, which is therefore markedly anti-social and conformist by that token.
The potato is thereby thrown back to the original Adult who broke out of his or her mold. One is confronted with the dissatisfaction of the Other. One can then decide, usually according to how much one cares for the Other, (although this is not always such a simple criterion for decision, and a just decision may be based on more subtle and complex criteria) whether or not to yield to the Other's preference. This preference is now an object of knowledge and not of presumption.
One is reminded of two quotes. One is the popular saying: "It is better to ask for forgiveness than for permission." Asking for permission is the essence of the Adolescent attitude. Asking for forgiveness is more usually the Adult fate.
The other quote is by Alan Wilson Watts: "You cannot have a free society that is at the same time a nursery." The free society, of course, is the life of the Adult. The nursery is an apt metaphor for the life of the Adolescent.
Jung and Woodman, amidst others, including Campbell, warn of the tremendous dangers of PERPETUAL ADOLESCENCE in contemporary society, whose trends have changed significantly but not substantially in the time since those mentors spoke to us.
* This has nearly nothing to do with age. One may be an Adult even at the age of fourteen. It is entirely a description of character in this instance.
dm.A.A.
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