On the Tendency to Self-Incriminate, and On the Crawling Out of the Sand Clock.

Imagine a giant Sand-Clock, like that in Aladdin.

One finds oneself at the bottom of it. One wishes that one could lie at the base forever, but alas, Sand is pouring down upon oneself, and one risks drowning.

One has the ability to overcome the sand and actually to rise with it towards the center of the Sand-Clock. Thankfully, the hole is large enough for one to slip through. It is merely an arduous struggle to pass through, and an even more arduous one ensues when one must rise through the sand in the upper half to reach the Surface.

Finally, one arrives at the Surface. Now, this Sand-Clock does not turn over, except once in a long time. One finds that, in the upper half of the Sand-Clock, one can see the Sun, and one glimpses a luxurious world of ineffable Beauty beyond.

One is happy here, yet one has to constantly wade in the Sand to avoid descending into the lower half. Yet this becomes an exciting routine. One maintains this routine until the Sand has run its course. One can then wait at the bottom of the bowl, until the Sand-Clock turns, and one is at the base again.

This metaphor illustrates my view of the Life of an individual. Like most existentialist metaphors, it may appear entirely depressing. Yet I use it to stress, on the contrary, one of the most rewarding experiences of human life: The overcoming of unhappiness and adversity. The Upper Half, though it requires that we establish a pattern of rigorous discipline, is immensely preferable to the Lower. Yet that discipline which one establishes in the upper half will become, eventually and inevitably, obsolete, and the cycle will begin again. Yet I take this to mean that I do not feel recrimination against myself for when I find myself suddenly at rock bottom. I know that all my self-loathing, my excessive self-criticism, my tendency to find my work or anything else to be "objectively" bad, et cetera et al, will pass once I have laboured through the guilt which is not the product of my failure but its own force of gravity. I have faith in that, once I have squeezed through the narrow hole of my own individuality, I will have the opportunity to see all of yesterday's "failures" as, again, Successes, or otherwise I shall feel absolutely no recrimination or attachment to my Failures, and, in either case, no will to Self-Destruction. I Have faith in that, whenever I break through to the Surface, the world will amaze me.

Maybe we are not constantly in the Sand-Clock. Yet, if we are, then we may be better off, for then we should never feel compeled to Regret it.

dm.A.A.