Charybdis. Csylla. Cunts.

It was a tough time for a while dealing with both you and Mother when you were both being manipulative. The subtle nuances of one manipulative passive-aggressive paradigm makes one less certain of one's own surroundings and self. It makes one more susceptible to the
other.

What does not help is that your negativity is the theoretical obverse of Mother's. She pretends towards good intentions. She seems to feel perpetually justified in her means irrespective of their immediate effects upon me. The model deontologist who is never wrong, right?
Yet you tend to be the pragmatic extreme. Intent does not matter to you at all; only outcome. I could try everything, including not trying, and you would disparage me just for trying (including the things I did not do, and so the times I did not try I was blamed for.).
In such a situation it is easy to take one of two unnecessary and depraving routes. The one is to consider one's self guilty of both sets of circumstances. The other is to blame the one for the other. Perhaps my mother's own delusions I emulated unconsciously, and you became the victim of her abuse through me, inadvertently?
My admittedly (by her own admission) manipulative ex tried to feed me that latter narrative. Rather than advising me to pick my battles the privileged wench, daughter of a psychiatric nurse and behaviourist product, tried to coerce me to stand up to my parents, not for MY benefit, though she told me I 'should want it for my self,' but because it ostensibly 'affected' me in such a way that it was 'damaging' to her.
The shrinks.

It is no wonder I am mortally affronted by leveling. Obviously if two members of the opposite gender in one's life are both cruel, it is proper to stand up to both. There is no hypocrisy in standing up to them; only the consistency underlying the paradox: that of one's own Dignity. And one knows it when one Feels it. A hypocrite could never possess such a conviction. Kresten all ways suffered a lack of certainty because he lacked both discipline and courage. The Rowans knew that.

Of course: it IS possible to take one person's abuse out on an other. I suspect you of having done that. Much of what you said to me about me could be said of Kresten and would appear to most to be less Absurd. It is okay; I must recall that I am in no way like my Mother. Saints get along with saints, sinners with sinners. No conflict betwixt me and Mother would exist were we equals. And neither is she you. Rather people like her have so abused you that you are apprehensive of people like me. The former are lions in sheep's clothing. The other are sheep that have turned into lions, to borrow Nietzsche's metaphor. The former hide the lion, lying in wait, behind the veneer of charity. The latter hide the remnants of a gutted lamb in their stomachs like the Beast or the Frog hides his Princely past in fairy tales and folk's lore.

I never meant you harm. I can tell that my Mother means me harm. At least it is clear she wants power. Her actions are never unconditional and often hypocritical. A paranoid Absurdist would then say: do you Alanna not perceive me the same way? But I am much too clever to be fooled that way. Not only is it possible that you know me to mean well but push me away not with standing. If you did try to accuse me of a will to power it would be Absurd. UN-like my Mother, I have adapted my self to you. Were my Mother to apologise and change her habits, even once, I would never call her 'wrong' for having set an Example of how she would like to treat me. One is not wrong for trying. But most of what I did to you were on your own say-so. You asked me for the Truth, and so I gave it to you, even if I did not believe in it before you asked me. That it hurt you is not my fault; that you raged at me in retaliation is not my responsibility. And by the same token I do not expect my Mother to live in Fear of my own rage. I only Know that prior to the rage was the offence. And that offence is certainly not my fault. If you heard the things she said or saw the things she did some times, then you, not only as a Communications Major but a (more than splendid) human being, would be out-raged your self, even if only for my sake and if it were not directed at you.

Dmitry.