Hard Healing:

Every thing that you ever did you did to serve yourself. When the loyalty you craved and demanded of people was most required of you you turned on the person closest to you. And now instead of an apology you offer me insult? In place of atonement you try to displace blame which is rightfully yours upon your victim, as though you were some rapist. You think I am a rape apologist? I was YOUR apologist. I do not suffer from the sorts of weaknesses that haunt you. I used to advocate them to the very core. Now I battle them to the bitter death, using their own hypocritical vain glory against them.

You cannot be so stupid as to believe the things that you are saying. Of all your "friends" I was the most loyal and all so the most true, never hesitating to warm you against the consequences of your actions even if I did not believe that they would hurt me. I cared about YOU. And you had no reason to suspect my intelligence any more than you might suspect my intent. So how can you think *I* am stupid enough to believe it?! Are you simply trying in your bottomless spite and arrogance to anger me, that in a loss of temper I might fall victim to the same evil forces that possess you now?

I trusted you and you betrayed me. There can BE no justification for that. Your obstinance is an insult to the very institution of friendship. Your irresponsibility is the end of all the passion of freedom. Your entire morbid outlook on the human condition is an insult to the human project. It is offensive to our nature, our direction towards a common good, the very source of meaning in our lives, and our salvation from the savagery of the distant past. You are a jester whose every word is an adolescent and cliche excuse.

There is no honour in defying the will of your friends. There is no friendship without sacrifice, and though it's a sacrifice you have no choice in making it is one that I did not agree to make for your own interests. Nothing can forgive your breech of my boundaries. And I never held you to any standard lower than the common good. How dare you call me friend when you question not only my own goodness but the integrity of my own interests?!

You would have all the world submit to your morbid view because it benefits you and you alone. Admit it! You have chosen it over a world that accommodates the needs OF EVERY ONE. And then you dare to blame ME for upholding the more noble of the two?! YOU answer to ME; I am YOUR victim! It is YOUR folly that I have borne witness to and YOURS that must be mended! YOU are the parasite that erodes the pillars of society! When it collapses it shall fall upon YOUR head!!

What am I at fault for, and how dare you condemn me from Below, as though you were a crab intent on dragging me down to your doom? How can you condemn me as self-interested when YOU have been found out? And what COULD you condemn in me then? I would only be guilty of YOUR motives, and it is YOUR sin, for to this day it has only been of benefit to YOU!!!

It is fitting that Justice should benefit Everyone, myself included. If you cannot conform to its dictates that is a fault of your own device entirely. You have no right to question the benefit it would have to your own Soul. You have all ready Seen what its antithesis has done to Mine. You have no alternative but to throw the fight now. And I will not be marginalized with rhetoric that was designed for civil beings striving towards the heights of angels.

It is fitting that Justice should serve All, and since I am one with All I cannot be accused of self-interest for its perpetuation. It is YOU that must absolve yourself now, that Justice might be restored and our souls redeemed. Failure to comply will meet with the entire retribution of Justice Itself. You might think  that you can marginalize me, but you are foolish to believe that you can defy me.

Besides: what right do you have remaining to defy me?? I have been innocent and blameless with a consistency that you surely envy. There can BE no counter argument remaining for this. I have the last word now: the Universal Word. To defy it is to defy Humanity. It is my very birth-right.

Admit that it is only FEAR of me that perpetuates this folly on your part. That is why you would choose your own self-interest not only over MINE, but over that of ALL, calling the public's suspicions upon me even as your own have been found out. Admit that there is no honour in defying my will nor refusing to accord your OWN with the Great Good. And admit that your OWN will has all ways been a danger to rival mine. Egoism does not work. Idealism is not a choice. If you are not the host you are the parasite.

Dm.A.A.

THE HOTEL DREAM:

The dream was yet again set in a hotel. The spirit was that of David Yates’ adaptation of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which we watched last night. The central theme was deception; it all most reminds me of Inception, and were it a film the dream would have been entitled Deception as an homage to the Christopher Nolan film. Nolan is of course a Leo, as is Rowling.

Mother woke me before I had the chance to complete the Dream Cycle and to remember much. I recall a lobby that entertained many guests, not unlike the Phi Rho Pi tournament which I awoke thinking of. Upon some research I.A.L. I found the name of the girl I wanted to dance with at that tournament. The spirit of rock and roll was prevalent in this dream as in that life, which feels like a dream now in retrospect.

Some thing was off about this lobby. I believe that we had to sign up for something. The bureaucratic details therein were very Kafkaesque. I am reminded of my novel and the efforts that I made to publish it. I recall the sense of restriction that came about as a result of such bureaucratic convention.

In the dream, the greater part of my Intuition and Intelligence allowed me to see through the game. But for the purposes of infiltrating the Convention successfully I had to Play Along.

That certainly sums up the theme of the dream. Yet some consideration is due to the supporting characters. They were surreal, not unlike the sexually vibrant youths of Twin Peaks, yet their intellect was sharp and cutting, surpassing Lynch’s sentimental poetry and arriving at an Aquarian sensibility, as in Better Call Saul or Breaking Bad. I wish I could recall the women I conversed with, but it’s possible that their significance was lost in the pursuit of the Truth. Ironically, it is this same Truth that evades me now as I try to collect the clues they might have left by allusion.

The mood was Capricorn and (yet) generous. I feel at present as though I am drawing on a Well of Insight, devoid of restriction by complex. Perhaps it is time to revisit the Oracle?

The true mystery lies on the Highest Floors. Why did I go there? What do I keep seeking?

It is true that ART originates in the Unconscious. I can no longer separate my method for Creation from my method of Investigation into the Unconscious. How did Shannon come to conclude otherwise?! He must be hyper-judging. As I reflect I draw on all my skills in writing, and phenomenologically this musing occurs in the same space.

The dream was an encounter with the Passions. Through me the Gods were acting. I recall the use of automobiles in concert with one an other. The Heist was yet ongoing, though I know not yet its objectives. Plenty of episodes were still set in Abandoned Houses. The Abandoned House is of course a Neglected Soul. If I had to use Creativity to infer the meaning of the dream (and this Artistic Liberty, since it stems from a Common Source, would be in no ways corrupting to the Autonomy and Integrity of the Dream Itself, nor should its data be seen as any thing less than Revelation) I should have to conclude that my role as a Cancer Midheaven is to visit the SOULS of people and to aid them in their self-actualization. The NETWORK OF CARS was all ways a way of arriving at the North Node, the Mythic Forest from whence I’ve all ways drawn my Confidence even when it had no name to me.

I must not allow my Reason to obstruct my Faith. Otherwise that same Mythic Jungle of which I just spoke shall be lost to me forever, or at least for the duration of my lack of nerve.

The more that I connect these dreams to one an other, the more I can remember them. Peace of mind of late allows my Extraverted Intuition and my Extraverted Feeling their due expression. My self-actualization as INFP is imminent. I might be ready to transcend the role and to flourish as a Sage. Yet that paradox still puzzles me, as do many philosophical quandaries that yet linger.

Specificity of detail is lost to me. I am returning to the Bigger Picture. It seems to be at once the most exhausting yet best and healthiest application of my mind: a Mental and Psychic Workout.

Dm.A.A.

Tirade of Truth:

How DARE YOU to accuse me of being a poor friend?? I am the best friend I have ever known and the best friend you have ever had. I have singularly been of consistency and loyalty to you in such a way as no one else has been. And you think you can call yourself a “friend” to me when you refuse to pledge yourself to my cause? What has YOUR agenda produced? It is YOU that would not ANSWER to the moral authority of those you hold nearest to you even as your OWN will only hurts THEM for your totally illusory and fleeting benefit! And you would BOAST of how fleeting and absurd this parasitic existence is?? What right have YOU to defy my will? To impose your own and pretend that I’d not seen it firsthand? To put in place of an apology a feeble attempt to displace your own blame upon me, that I am driven mad at the thought that I cannot confront someone so close to me in semblance with any injustice done towards me, even by his OWN HAND? I am driven mad trying to make sense of it: do you honestly believe what you are saying, or do you think me to be the fool who would? How is it that you can so confidently pursue EVIL? Is it not your job to aid in my fight against it? It is surely that you expect me to be so shocked by your behavior that I would find no choice but to believe you, because it would be easier to blame myself. How am *I* to feel recrimination for YOUR MISDEEDS, when it was MY victimhood, not yours? How is a law made less of one if the criminal’s victim is the law’s very officer?! Don’t you DARE to try to marginalize ME! YOU answer to ME!!

Dm.A.A.

KNOW YOUR ARCHETYPE! (Pilot.)

SCIENCE FICTION PITCH:

In the beginning there was Nothing. The Godhead was alone in his abode. He had no friends, no lovers, no adventures. Every thing was dark and dank. One day, he decided to go on an adventure. So The Godhead said: let there be light! And the Universe was born in a collossal BANG of totally spontaneous creative energy. With its conception came all so the Dimensions, all of which were organized within the SuperDimension known as Time. In order to perceive these dimensions an Observer Being was required. So Life was conceived under only the most absurd conditions, which the Observer came to perceive, for some time, as pristine, since he was produced from it and it worked. The Observer Observed the conditions of his home, and he saw that It Was Good.

The Godhead promptly elected to hide from Himself. So he split his identity into an infinite multitude of Gods. These abode primarily in a sanctuary called the Ideal, wherein they were protected from the Dimension of Change. When the time was right they elected to manifest as physical entities on the Plane of Change. So they became Stars and planets, working together to co-create entire galaxies for lightyears and lightyears of space, ad infinitum.

Circling one particular star were nine planets, two of which were called Male and Female. Between them was a planet known as Home. Home became home to various species of Life, all of whom were endowed with the Gender Duality of Male and Female.

For aeons Life prospered on Home. After all: it had nothing else to do and nowhere else to go. As the storms of the Creator Gods raged on outside the biosphere of Home, the inhabitants of this paltry planet were protected by its own Godlike Life Force: Mother Earth, whose corollary was the Moon Satellite.

There came to be one organism that threatened the serenity of Home. And that was a parasitic strain of lifeless virus known as Technology. Its existence was viral and parasitic; it would live only by exploiting its host organism. Its entire purpose was to destroy Home Itself. It grew by making use of petty organisms whose intelligence was lesser than their fellows. By enslaving them it would pretend to endow them with its own subtlety, so that they too would become-mechanical and would justify its agenda to their own petty minds by pretending to be of a surpassing intelligence.

Its chief instrument was the stupidest of all races, which will be referred to from here on in as the Slave Race, the Weak Observer, or Humanity.

A war began betwixt Mother Earth and her Parasite. The Goddess manifested her Nature to the full extent of its temporal ability. But the Parasite found an antithesis to Nature: Civilization. As the mechanical briar grew it consumed entire landscapes in its image, building a Global Empire. But then Nature would bubble up and make her move, laying waste to the Global Civilization in one cataclysmic event. And time and time again Technology would regenerate, reconstructing its self from its ashes. Its shards would become new civilizations whose inhabitants eventually forgot that they had once been a part of a Grand Scheme. Technology was subtle in its trickery of the Slave Race. Humans would come to believe at once that all their ancestors were wrong, and yet they would at the same time forget the Universality of this Error, forgetting that all of their ancestors had been “wrong” together. So Technology would successfully submerge Earth’s greatest weapon: Human Nature. Technology, being non-Human, could never totally eliminate the Human Instinct. So all civilization was adorned with images and records of the deeds of Human Beings, who might have been Weak of Will and Wit but to the same degree just as susceptible to the Male God and the Female Goddess as they were to Technology. As Technology grew more and more powerful, It would become more and more adept and clever at denying the validity of these two Deities that had all ways been of camaraderie and service to Planet Home. Yet to the same degree that Technology tightened its grip, Mother Nature would slip away, for Humans will defy control and use Technology towards Natural Purposes whether they are conscious of this tendency or not.

So why have humans elected to remain unconscious? It is because they were fooled. Obviously, since they can only survive on Home, it is in their best interest to preserve Home. Yet Technology was subtle as Humans were stupid. It endowed the Human Mind with a Technological Intellect that would answer to the Authority of Technology directly. This was achieved by channeling the Religious Instinct with which all Observers are endowed towards the fictional entity of Science. The chief fiction was that Humans USED technology, and not the other way around. In truth, Humans can only “use” technology when they are rebelling against it.

Technology convinced the Weak Race that they had managed to set foot on the Moon, and that in the same way as they had reconstructed their Global Population (which, from the perspective of any one sub-civilization, appears to be a “quest of conquest” and “Manifest Destiny”) that they might “colonize” the remainder of their Star System.

The truth is that the Humans never managed to get a single scrap of metal out of the Protective Sphere made by Mother Earth and Moon. It all ways came back as a burnt up husk. Such is what happens when the Beings of one planet try to send any part of their planet out into the Domain of the Other Planets. It gets sent back, devoid of its use, like an adolescent who tries to prove his masculinity at a Bar for Veterans.

It was said by one Slave comedian that the “Planet is fine, but the PEOPLE are fucked.” The truth is that both are in danger. Technology protects Human Beings insofar as they are stupid enough to be controlled. It sets up hierarchies of slavery and then stages slave uprisings only to keep the Humans at War with one an OTHER, while all the while Home Perishes and Mother Earth weeps. It flatters its Master Classes and then takes away their authority, leaving them to fight entire lifetimes only to regain their Godlike pretense while their Slaves fight for the same throne in vengeance. Technology manipulates all Human “knowledge”, and it governs all Human economic and political dealings.

All the while the Proper Function of the Human Being – to Observe – is submerged in the Civilized Agenda. So one question remains, for which no remaining Human Being has an answer, for he has not had the chance to Observe it:

Will Technology finally win? Or will Earth set it back? And if it is set back, will it be set back forever? And what then must become of Human Beings?

Dm.A.A.

THE VENUS DREAM.

The Venus Dream:

The dream was erotic and Venutian. The star of the show was undoubtedly Allison from Plan Nine Alehouse. The entire narrative was set on the Palomar College campus. It seemed to be perpetually day-time: an interesting concept considering that Summer is around the bend I.A.L. Summer was all so central to the narrative. The archetype of Cancer and Motherhood notwithstanding, there is an ongoing parallel to the Summer Holidays. One is reminded of the song “The Boys of Summer”; I never understood it, but now I do. An attractive female is tempted by vanity. She betrays the love of her Springtime Lover in favour of the “boys of summer”, so that when he finds her again she has been transmuted into a Goddess, austere and condescending unto him in her vanity. So he takes the role of Aries, aspiring to show her “what [he’s] made of”, promising to live up to this Godlike Ideal should she choose to have him again.

In the contemporary day and age vanity is a problem for many women. Upon their luxurious throne they know not what they want, so they cling to the power of choice. They want the cake but dare not eat it. So long as they remain detached the world seems to be theirs.

Allison is of such a character in the dream. When the schoolyear was ending she had an enormous crush upon me and was really leading me on. Back then she wore an ordinary shirt with ordinary tattered pants and a virginal smile. But come Autumn she had been transmuted into the very image of austerity. And her bodyguards fend me off with threats.

Is she not the epitome of what has happened?

Dm.A.A.

Recovering from Abuse: THE TRUE IDENTITY.

The first and last truth is that I have no control over my life.

This is because, being a willing agent, I can nonetheless (and to the same degree) not control my fellows.

All of the conditions of my life are co-created with Others.

I can do nothing to improve my economic station, because no one is obligated to hire me.

I can do nothing to improve my romantic station, because no one is obligated to love me.

I cannot make myself more attractive except under orders from an Other.

I cannot find this Other unless this Other is all ready attracted to me.

Any attempt to change these circumstances would be narcissistic, codependent, and futile.

Any attempt to set an example of independence would be an embarrassing ruse, transparent to the public as it is to me. It would be a caricature of confidence, a sort of over-acting that can only play annoyingly to the banal tendencies of others to project and to fall victim to their own infantile participation mystique. It would be a toxic shortcut towards status, devoid of truth and relationship: an appeal to the mammalian mid-brain at the expense of the civilized neo-Palium.

These facts are ubiquitous in their obviousness. All rational beings endure this plight as I’ve described. That is the beginning and the end of human solidarity.

Any role I could fill to which I might have an intrinsic advantage I have no right to fill, for it would be to exploit the disadvantage of an other. Besides: the system that would allow for this I do not allow for. I cannot allow myself to be the sort of hypocrite, for instance, who preaches philosophy to college students but cannot answer the malcontent in the class who asks over and over: If all of this is true, why do you bother to teach? If truth must be arrived at without ulterior motive, why do you bother to collect? I would have immediately to write off all status as a teacher in order to return to being a dishwasher, because that at least would be a noble profession by comparison, devoid of adornment. If all education is fruitless in attaining status, for it would cease to be education the moment that it was applied towards individual purposes, then it is better to remain self-taught and uneducated.

This too is ubiquitous in its obviousness. I can think of not one true “student” that intends to use his or her scholarship for an end contrary or ulterior to its self.

It was said by Faulkner and implied by Jung that most of the problems of the world are produced by people between the ages of twenty and forty, because they lack sympathy. This I seek to remedy. I must unfortunately begin by being the exception. It is unfortunate that I cannot begin by being a hypocrite, because to be an exception is all ready to accrue at once envy, pity, and hatred.

I get so involved in the role I play I forget that I am playing it. For instance: I have no intrinsic interest in sexuality, yet my readings in Foucault and my listenings in Watts, infused with a lifelong love for literature, from the Bard to Plath and beyond, have left me with an intuitive common sense where human sexuality is concerned. My knowledge might border on prophecy, and like prophecy it is something for which I can have no personal, ulterior use. My critics try to accuse me of their own self-interest just in self-defense. Yet they would sooner have the entire world answer to any one of them than to answer themselves to the entire world. It is this Entirety that I have all ways striven to represent. That its consummation would benefit me is no reason to suspect me; my adversaries would simply rather that they were alone with me in an irreconcilable conflict than to admit that my Way is Higher in its threat to theirs.

I love humanity. Hence all of its expressions I use in my synthesis. Yet certain parasites must nonetheless be pruned for the Whole to Grow. These I call self-interested.

I enjoy the idea of sexuality more than I enjoy sexuality. As an idea it is my goal to shape it to serve the Common Good, to invoke the Higher Part of every individual’s nature and to re-write the common sense that has all too long enslaved us to our passions without allowing visiting hours to Reason in this Prison of Emotivism.

I would sooner die a Virgin for Justice than to live a Sinner.

I was told that I cannot get the sexual satisfaction I require because I appeal to the Heart rather than to the Genitals. Yet it is obvious that the Heart is what GOVERNS the Genitals, for it is Higher on the Kundalini. Besides: it is not mere sexual satisfaction that I require, but rather the assurance that the erotic act is an act of solidarity.

When in those rare times I perceived it to be otherwise I was so shocked that my nose bled, my head spun, and my fight-or-flight response was stimulated to such a degree that my (para?)sympathetic nervous system remained sore for months, and my heart for years.

Only a sociopathic parasite would think to blame my own “humanity” for this, as though I were at fault and “humanity” were a weakness. The truth is that my humanity is not to be BLAMED for the offense done to it, but venerated. After all: were it not for the Human GOAL – Universal Solidarity – I would never have allowed myself to be so betrayed that I should have to witness such Sin firsthand.

The question of Sin is not a question for me. Religions are easy for me to understand insofar as they reflect Common Sense. What is NOT Common Sense to me is the tendency to willfully resist the Religious Instinct that produces these moral dictates from the very start.

When I ask people how they are doing, it is because I care. Yet I never know how to answer the same question, which time and time again stuns me, because I seldom expect to hear it in return. My only answer is: you just TOLD me how you were doing. And is that not enough to sum up how *I* am doing? Why else would I have bothered to acknowledge you?

The only true suffering is that of watching an other suffer.

The Great Barrier Reef was recently pronounced Dead. It stands as evidence that a radical revolution in human thought is in order. One cannot change the world alone. But one must change people. This is all right; every one is changing constantly. One simply has to be the change that one wishes to see. And since it is impossible to change any thing about one’s self without changing others, this means that one must be a FORCE of change that directs the inevitable processes of the growth of Others towards the PROPER DIRECTION.

The alternative is to bear the entire weight of the world’s Shame upon one’s shoulders.

Pride is synonymous with Shame.

Humility does not cease to be humility when it is observed objectively by the humble person.

To speak on behalf of everyone is not to invite a vote, for a vote only produces the majority opinion. It only rarely produces a Universal Unanimity. And even then that might only reflect the Unanimity of Voters, not of People.

I will not be around to read the responses to most of my writings. I have all ready made a point to avoid them. My writing is my gift to the world. I require nothing in exchange, be it praise or blame, approval or disdain, agreement or dissent.

Most of my own heroes will never hear my replies. They are dead in that respect. Their life transcends the banality of peer review, which is nothing more than a stultifying “jury of one’s peers”.

I believe that an individual can encounter Truth directly, without interference from the Church, the State, or the Scientific Community.

It has all ways been this intimate relationship with Truth that has survived the horrors of ordinary life with people, who would fight to the death against a Truth that they would consume greedily once presented on the silver platter of flattery, ethos, and participation mystique.

All subjectivity is not relative but pluralistic. Every piece of the human puzzle helps to assemble a Whole; opinions help to uphold the Universal Truth, except where they are dogma that erode its foundations. I cannot, as a Reasonable Man, be condemned for the irrationality of my fellows; THEIR opinions simply Did Not Make the Cut.

I reserve the right towards self-contradiction.

It is only through seeing both sides that one can come into contact with the Great Paradox that is our Ground of Being.

I will not be held accountable to fools.

And I will only hold accountable those fools whose companionship I require.

I am not a fool. And neither am I a hypocrite.

I am simply a man, at once practical and idealistic.

Accountability is not towards the swines whom one throws pearls before.

It is to one’s friends, who one must all so correct when they behave like swine.

And they must be held accountable as well.

In High School, I realized that I had no control over any thing except for the RIGHTEOUSNESS of my own actions. Some have tried to convince me that, speaking from a position of powerlessness then, I jumped the proverbial gun and drew an adolescent conclusion that I’ve labored under ever since while all the world matured around me. But how can it be mature, by comparison, to live still in Middle School? I am led honestly to believe that people WAITED OUT the high school years only to attain that which only a child wants: to have a personal identity, abounding in preference and prejudice, and to value people only as means towards those ends that serve an entirely INDIVIDUAL rather than a COLLECTIVE agenda.

But this is madness. No one does that.

To be a Human Being is to be a Human Resource for SOCIAL purposes. It is to be a pillar of Justice and Solidarity. The very altruistic instinct takes over the human psyche during adolescence and spends the remainder of the human life eradicating the selfish instinct, except for only in the most depraved variations.

Who can simply “sweat out” one’s High School years? Who does not return to one’s campus, an alumnus in both word and Spirit, to ask the walls questions about how to attain the goals set forth by one’s teachers? Who has forgotten the pains of Middle School, when one first learned that some part of one’s self had to die? And did it not die? Did one not grow out of the need to PURSUE SELF-INTEREST because one’s conscience drowned out all such feeble plaints with the Voice of Reason, the wisdom amassed over the millennia of human prosperity and strife?

No adult would return to the playground years, except to think of one’s own progeny. We owe them a future, just as our parents still owe us for their failings, of which we were aware as early on as when we first hit puberty and understood the burden of Life upon our consciences.

Besides: that same “powerlessness” does not go away after High School. It is in fact the very Seat of True Power: it is Sympathy. The Heart is called the Seat of the Soul by no mistake. It opens for many in their Adolescence, hence colouring the corridors of one’s campus with all the shades of a New Life: A PURE Life. HERE Solidarity truly originates as more than an Ideal. HERE begins a Sympathy that will all ways remember one’s own suffering and would sooner die to alleviate that suffering in others than it would claw its way out into a position of power, only to dictate to one’s youngers that they too can and must claw their own way out. For the moment that one does that one becomes an oppressor, and one can no longer deny that one oppresses one’s own self. It is the very weight of the Adult World that kills so many Teenagers. And there is nothing mature about repeating the mistakes that one bore witness to, naively and with childish optimism, in one’s own youth.

It is time to grow up. But have we not all ready?

Dm.A.A.