Recovering from Abuse: THE TRUE IDENTITY.

The first and last truth is that I have no control over my life.

This is because, being a willing agent, I can nonetheless (and to the same degree) not control my fellows.

All of the conditions of my life are co-created with Others.

I can do nothing to improve my economic station, because no one is obligated to hire me.

I can do nothing to improve my romantic station, because no one is obligated to love me.

I cannot make myself more attractive except under orders from an Other.

I cannot find this Other unless this Other is all ready attracted to me.

Any attempt to change these circumstances would be narcissistic, codependent, and futile.

Any attempt to set an example of independence would be an embarrassing ruse, transparent to the public as it is to me. It would be a caricature of confidence, a sort of over-acting that can only play annoyingly to the banal tendencies of others to project and to fall victim to their own infantile participation mystique. It would be a toxic shortcut towards status, devoid of truth and relationship: an appeal to the mammalian mid-brain at the expense of the civilized neo-Palium.

These facts are ubiquitous in their obviousness. All rational beings endure this plight as I’ve described. That is the beginning and the end of human solidarity.

Any role I could fill to which I might have an intrinsic advantage I have no right to fill, for it would be to exploit the disadvantage of an other. Besides: the system that would allow for this I do not allow for. I cannot allow myself to be the sort of hypocrite, for instance, who preaches philosophy to college students but cannot answer the malcontent in the class who asks over and over: If all of this is true, why do you bother to teach? If truth must be arrived at without ulterior motive, why do you bother to collect? I would have immediately to write off all status as a teacher in order to return to being a dishwasher, because that at least would be a noble profession by comparison, devoid of adornment. If all education is fruitless in attaining status, for it would cease to be education the moment that it was applied towards individual purposes, then it is better to remain self-taught and uneducated.

This too is ubiquitous in its obviousness. I can think of not one true “student” that intends to use his or her scholarship for an end contrary or ulterior to its self.

It was said by Faulkner and implied by Jung that most of the problems of the world are produced by people between the ages of twenty and forty, because they lack sympathy. This I seek to remedy. I must unfortunately begin by being the exception. It is unfortunate that I cannot begin by being a hypocrite, because to be an exception is all ready to accrue at once envy, pity, and hatred.

I get so involved in the role I play I forget that I am playing it. For instance: I have no intrinsic interest in sexuality, yet my readings in Foucault and my listenings in Watts, infused with a lifelong love for literature, from the Bard to Plath and beyond, have left me with an intuitive common sense where human sexuality is concerned. My knowledge might border on prophecy, and like prophecy it is something for which I can have no personal, ulterior use. My critics try to accuse me of their own self-interest just in self-defense. Yet they would sooner have the entire world answer to any one of them than to answer themselves to the entire world. It is this Entirety that I have all ways striven to represent. That its consummation would benefit me is no reason to suspect me; my adversaries would simply rather that they were alone with me in an irreconcilable conflict than to admit that my Way is Higher in its threat to theirs.

I love humanity. Hence all of its expressions I use in my synthesis. Yet certain parasites must nonetheless be pruned for the Whole to Grow. These I call self-interested.

I enjoy the idea of sexuality more than I enjoy sexuality. As an idea it is my goal to shape it to serve the Common Good, to invoke the Higher Part of every individual’s nature and to re-write the common sense that has all too long enslaved us to our passions without allowing visiting hours to Reason in this Prison of Emotivism.

I would sooner die a Virgin for Justice than to live a Sinner.

I was told that I cannot get the sexual satisfaction I require because I appeal to the Heart rather than to the Genitals. Yet it is obvious that the Heart is what GOVERNS the Genitals, for it is Higher on the Kundalini. Besides: it is not mere sexual satisfaction that I require, but rather the assurance that the erotic act is an act of solidarity.

When in those rare times I perceived it to be otherwise I was so shocked that my nose bled, my head spun, and my fight-or-flight response was stimulated to such a degree that my (para?)sympathetic nervous system remained sore for months, and my heart for years.

Only a sociopathic parasite would think to blame my own “humanity” for this, as though I were at fault and “humanity” were a weakness. The truth is that my humanity is not to be BLAMED for the offense done to it, but venerated. After all: were it not for the Human GOAL – Universal Solidarity – I would never have allowed myself to be so betrayed that I should have to witness such Sin firsthand.

The question of Sin is not a question for me. Religions are easy for me to understand insofar as they reflect Common Sense. What is NOT Common Sense to me is the tendency to willfully resist the Religious Instinct that produces these moral dictates from the very start.

When I ask people how they are doing, it is because I care. Yet I never know how to answer the same question, which time and time again stuns me, because I seldom expect to hear it in return. My only answer is: you just TOLD me how you were doing. And is that not enough to sum up how *I* am doing? Why else would I have bothered to acknowledge you?

The only true suffering is that of watching an other suffer.

The Great Barrier Reef was recently pronounced Dead. It stands as evidence that a radical revolution in human thought is in order. One cannot change the world alone. But one must change people. This is all right; every one is changing constantly. One simply has to be the change that one wishes to see. And since it is impossible to change any thing about one’s self without changing others, this means that one must be a FORCE of change that directs the inevitable processes of the growth of Others towards the PROPER DIRECTION.

The alternative is to bear the entire weight of the world’s Shame upon one’s shoulders.

Pride is synonymous with Shame.

Humility does not cease to be humility when it is observed objectively by the humble person.

To speak on behalf of everyone is not to invite a vote, for a vote only produces the majority opinion. It only rarely produces a Universal Unanimity. And even then that might only reflect the Unanimity of Voters, not of People.

I will not be around to read the responses to most of my writings. I have all ready made a point to avoid them. My writing is my gift to the world. I require nothing in exchange, be it praise or blame, approval or disdain, agreement or dissent.

Most of my own heroes will never hear my replies. They are dead in that respect. Their life transcends the banality of peer review, which is nothing more than a stultifying “jury of one’s peers”.

I believe that an individual can encounter Truth directly, without interference from the Church, the State, or the Scientific Community.

It has all ways been this intimate relationship with Truth that has survived the horrors of ordinary life with people, who would fight to the death against a Truth that they would consume greedily once presented on the silver platter of flattery, ethos, and participation mystique.

All subjectivity is not relative but pluralistic. Every piece of the human puzzle helps to assemble a Whole; opinions help to uphold the Universal Truth, except where they are dogma that erode its foundations. I cannot, as a Reasonable Man, be condemned for the irrationality of my fellows; THEIR opinions simply Did Not Make the Cut.

I reserve the right towards self-contradiction.

It is only through seeing both sides that one can come into contact with the Great Paradox that is our Ground of Being.

I will not be held accountable to fools.

And I will only hold accountable those fools whose companionship I require.

I am not a fool. And neither am I a hypocrite.

I am simply a man, at once practical and idealistic.

Accountability is not towards the swines whom one throws pearls before.

It is to one’s friends, who one must all so correct when they behave like swine.

And they must be held accountable as well.

In High School, I realized that I had no control over any thing except for the RIGHTEOUSNESS of my own actions. Some have tried to convince me that, speaking from a position of powerlessness then, I jumped the proverbial gun and drew an adolescent conclusion that I’ve labored under ever since while all the world matured around me. But how can it be mature, by comparison, to live still in Middle School? I am led honestly to believe that people WAITED OUT the high school years only to attain that which only a child wants: to have a personal identity, abounding in preference and prejudice, and to value people only as means towards those ends that serve an entirely INDIVIDUAL rather than a COLLECTIVE agenda.

But this is madness. No one does that.

To be a Human Being is to be a Human Resource for SOCIAL purposes. It is to be a pillar of Justice and Solidarity. The very altruistic instinct takes over the human psyche during adolescence and spends the remainder of the human life eradicating the selfish instinct, except for only in the most depraved variations.

Who can simply “sweat out” one’s High School years? Who does not return to one’s campus, an alumnus in both word and Spirit, to ask the walls questions about how to attain the goals set forth by one’s teachers? Who has forgotten the pains of Middle School, when one first learned that some part of one’s self had to die? And did it not die? Did one not grow out of the need to PURSUE SELF-INTEREST because one’s conscience drowned out all such feeble plaints with the Voice of Reason, the wisdom amassed over the millennia of human prosperity and strife?

No adult would return to the playground years, except to think of one’s own progeny. We owe them a future, just as our parents still owe us for their failings, of which we were aware as early on as when we first hit puberty and understood the burden of Life upon our consciences.

Besides: that same “powerlessness” does not go away after High School. It is in fact the very Seat of True Power: it is Sympathy. The Heart is called the Seat of the Soul by no mistake. It opens for many in their Adolescence, hence colouring the corridors of one’s campus with all the shades of a New Life: A PURE Life. HERE Solidarity truly originates as more than an Ideal. HERE begins a Sympathy that will all ways remember one’s own suffering and would sooner die to alleviate that suffering in others than it would claw its way out into a position of power, only to dictate to one’s youngers that they too can and must claw their own way out. For the moment that one does that one becomes an oppressor, and one can no longer deny that one oppresses one’s own self. It is the very weight of the Adult World that kills so many Teenagers. And there is nothing mature about repeating the mistakes that one bore witness to, naively and with childish optimism, in one’s own youth.

It is time to grow up. But have we not all ready?

Dm.A.A.