Never had I considered
suicide before the instance when you verbally abused me. Furious about your own
failings, you took advantage of the opportunity provided for you by my decision
to be lenient. You violated my mind-body. You directed my attention to the most
banal aspect of my psyche, that space which had hitherto remained largely
untouched and private. It is a part of my psyche that I would not have even
shared with my most intimate partner, for it rests beneath the sexual chakra
and its organs. You forcibly inserted your abstraction into my space,
obligating me to take it. Now I may have no choice except to repeat the
violation, because only by repeating your awful words could I convey the nature
of the abuse in such a way as to heal it. My root chakra shall remain violated
as long as I retain this form; it all ready becomes inflamed routinely, a
psychosomatic symptom of the verbal rape that has returned in dream as more
than merely a symbol for our conscious relationship, but rather as the actual
underlying matter. I pleaded with you to abstain, alarmed that you would value
your abstract freedom of speech over the interlocutor whose authority in this
conversation is total. Every conversation must be adapted to the demands of the
interlocutor, as a rule. Only you seem to possess the nerve to challenge my
authority, as though the conversation were such an act of competition that my
authority could threaten your own in any way. Only you seem to have been so
narcissistic as to continually repeat the dreaded words, instead of adapting to
my sensitivities and adopting them as your own, as though to lord your own
insensitivity over me. Only you could have demanded that I grovel before the
facts (a Root Attitude, and one that only appears in those confined to it by
Force or Fear) of our mutual banality as I refused to agree to the abstract
representation of them, for you were surely to preserve what little illusion of
equality remained between us in the wake of your failure. How could it have
been ignorance on my part? The fact was mine to agree to; it was MY body that
you sought to involve in this conspiracy of science. Fear of ignorance is
ignorance itself. As per usual, I remain blameless. And you even admitted, by
analogy to sexual rhetoric, that the situation was comparable to a sexual
abuse. Why did you not extend the analogy to admit that you had committed a
verbal abuse against me? Worse than any sexual objectification, which at least
occurs in that realm of the psyche where sociability BEGINS and risk is
permissible, you reduced me to merely those animal functions that seldom
require mention in public, for they are so base that they must be kept private.
If even sexuality can be corrupted by force, so can defecation. There is no
underlying reason for my reaction to this cruelty; its only cause was your
decision. You will never possess the right to justify these abuses by
pretending towards some sort of humility of which I am alone in opposing. Like
all of your accusations of egoism, they only expose your own pathological
narcissism. There is no true humility in demeaning others, reducing them to
their most basic biological functions, and rendering that most private of
faculties public. Some things must remain private; we are embarrassed by them
by their very NATURE as pre-social. All abstraction and extraversion threaten
that part of our mind-bodies; even this retaliation itself is dirty by
necessity in dealing with your utterly unnecessary violation. Were they not
INTRINSICALLY private, they would not be embarrassing. You will never possess
the right to violate them so as to humiliate others, as though by so doing you
could impart your own “humility” upon the immodest. To force a virtue upon any
man, male or female, only reflects the absence of one’s own. And there is never
modesty in publicity.
Dm.A.A.
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