THEATRICAL EXERCISE: MONOLOGUE.

This woman was surely psychotic. I mean: I can’t believe I even got off the PHONE with her, much less that I let her off the hook so easily. I must have been AFRAID to BLAME her. I mean, maybe it’s just that my parents never spoiled me like this, but what kind of Mother just PRESUMES that her own daughter is not some sort of sadistic, manipulative sociopath? Well, maybe I can’t speak from the same position of PRIVILEGE. But how do you call someone you do not even KNOW and tell him – WARMLY, at that – that there “never was a relationship”? What a bald-faced LIE. There WAS. There all ways IS. At all times. In all places. And the relationship HERE was totally PARASITIC. So what does she mean there never WAS one? THAT’S Kafkaesque. It’s like saying that every thing is not interconnected. But metaphysics aside, let’s look at the blatant facts: A relationship does not need to be romantic to be a relationship. And a romantic relationship does not require either the formalities nor the banalities in order to be Relevant. It can simply be expressed in Feelings. Feelings are Facts. As of the Twentieth Century at least, right? So how can she ACCUSE me of not only deluding MYSELF, but trying to do so to OTHERS as well? She has a DAUGHTER. She has a HUSBAND. And she tells ME – the innocent, twenty-six-year-old Virgin – that I SCARE people? Like I’m self-interested? Like *I’m* the one who’s self-entitled here? I’m sorry. I thought being SELF-ENTITLED has to come from a position of PRIVILEGE. “Wanting my share” is not Self-Entitlement; only the narcissists say that. You ever played BioShock? Read Rand? You get the idea, I’m sure. This is such bullshit. And besides: this girl was never CLEAR to me. This bitch of a Mother tells me that she “made it clear” that the friendship “was over” when she said she “wanted space”. First: NEEDED space seems like the proper translation. That was the IMPRESSION that I GOT, that I RECEIVED, that I WAS GIVEN. And besides that, honestly: you expect me to believe… well, let’s look at the term “space” first, in general. SPACE. That means: AMBIGUITY. When you give someone SPACE, there’s nothing fucking CLEAR about that. It’s the OPPOSITE! When you are WITH some one, you must be CLEAR. When you give someone SPACE, that’s saying: It’s UNCLEAR!! Right?? And you can’t be CLEAR when you break up with someone. There is nothing CLEAR about that. And was she CLEAR when she said that she never wanted to see me again? She WASN’T; she DIDN’T!! I mean how do these people EXPECT me just to KNOW. Just to INFER? Like: only a WEEK after she tells me that we’re going to be Friends Forever, and no matter what, and she does not “do awkward”, and I’m “all ways her People”, and I’m part of her “Soul Family”, only a WEEK goes by, all most five months after we MET, and now she tells me she needs SPACE and I’m supposed to TAKE THAT to mean that she NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN? Only a delusional creep WOULD presume that! And you tell me that I was SUPPOSED to? Like I’m some delusional creep NOW because I DIDN’T? FUCK no. When you are WITH SOME ONE – in ANY sense, physical or emotional – you’re CLEAR. There is no CLARITY outside of that. There’s only the Jungle of Absurdity and Ambiguity. And you tell me to PRESUME the WORST about not only HER (whom you don’t blame one bit) but then MYSELF… and I am DOUBLY GUILTY for trying to NEGOTIATE here? No one DIED. It’s not DENIAL. It’s me wondering what the FUCK is going ON.

[Pause. Stop to smoke.]

And it’s not like she wasn’t hitting me up AFTER the fact any way. So she stood me up six times – seven, really. And that’s MY Fault for pressing on? Like she can LIE to me and cut me off completely and I’m supposed to PRESUME that she is LYING? You are CRAZY. This is NOT the straightforward, honest, JUST person I thought that I was getting to know. And honestly: you live with her. You should know better than to let her get AWAY with this bullshit. [He puffs.] I mean: [He coughs.] I mean… [He recovers.] I mean DAMN IT. Why is it OKAY for her to LIE to someone who was supposed to be an INDISPENSABLE FRIEND? HUH? I mean: [He tries the cigarette again, successfully.] I mean: A Restraining Order. Against Me. Christ. Who will you go to to TALK about this stuff now? Or did it never really matter to you? Was it all those theatre skills? Mixed with the psychoanalytic training, surely. And natural charisma. [He puffs again.] To think I was so docile. So loyal, like a dog. Despite ALL of my past experience with such people. Well: she SURELY meant for me to feel SECURE in the first phase of abuse. Not so much in the second one. It’s just so blatant. But how does the Mom Not See It? Probably she taught her it. [He puffs again.] Why LIE to me? Why be afraid? Of ACCOUNTABILITY? Of living up to your own WORD? You don’t put thoughts in my HEAD, BITCH. You just DON’T. Don’t come into my House, re-ARRANGE things, and just LEAVE like that. [He smokes again. He coughs, but with finality. And resolve.]

Dm.A.A.