A Conclusive Letter.
This
comes late by human standards, though on time by any other set of principles. It
will appear redundant at first in the wake of so many failed attempts. But may
the record show that these attempts were made only to try to tame inhuman
forces. So when it was first attempted it would have been, had it been so lucid
and so brilliant as it is now, on time, by the human standards that it was
aimed to protect and nurture. Let my humanity not mitigate the relevance of
what God has bestowed upon me, for I have had to suffer to get to this point,
and my failures were only ever noble efforts that find consummation here, even
in its lateness.
I do not have an “Agenda”. I
do not plan my life out, like I know what I am doing. I do not manipulate
circumstances to serve my favour. When I feel that inkling to do so it is
invariably emanating from those around me whom I have placed false trust in. It
is YOU who does that. You are not a victim. You are not a martyr. You are not
an informant. I am all of these things, and hence I saw them all in you. But
you are just a narcissistic parasite whose only source of shock and awe comes
from the thought that any one could restrict his Will. On one front, you
crusade against the Government in all its forms (both Liberal and Conservative)
so as to preserve your autonomy and vindicate your egoism. Meanwhile you
conform to every necessary social dictate, never risking yourself for a Greater
Cause, (even your own) just enough to maintain appearances and to save energy
you waste on fruitless ventures that end up hurting and even killing people.
The fact that you have a response to every attack upon your “character”, the
moment you are brought to public light or any other confrontation for which you
would be accountable, is evidence to the fact that you have all ready planned
out every move you need to in order to protect yourself: a weak Game. You
crusade against the system whilst hoping to infiltrate it from Within, but far
from this being a noble war of attrition it is one that can only have one
motive: the dream of consolidating all power and subverting the entire world to
yourself.
And what about me? I only try,
as all people do, to live the best life possible, morally and naturally. I
strive to act out what my conscience tells me. You have none. And you’ve had
plenty of opportunities to prove it.
Where I differ from the Public
that you so often berate when you are not acting as its advocate and savior is
that I too disagree with Social Norm. I do not believe that I need to be part
of someone ELSE’S agenda in order to live a fruitful and virtuous Life. I
remain blameless of THAT. And my blamelessness is not limited to what any
faction deems vice or virtue. Though to you, there is no Pure Innocence. There
are only factions, and you belong to none of them. But you are a rebel on the
underside of the Law, not above it. You have in common with me only that you
are an Individualist. But people who think that they know you always see you as
a representative of the Group. What Group have you ever truly belonged to,
though? When you are outvoted, you behave more shamefully than any one whom YOU’VE
outvoted. The moment that the same minority you screwed over and marginalized
becomes part of the majority, you leave the group. And yet it is not long
before you leech off of an other. And the only reason that we notice this so
late is because you are aware of it. So you put it on us long before we would
notice it in you. You berate US for what we have not done so that when you have
done it we will be blamed for it. The post-modern situation lets you slip away
from blame so easily that way. And that is YOUR Agenda. Not mine. Though you
might all ready have convinced them all that it is mine. And they have thereby
ignored not only my WARNINGS about you (for I was always one of the few who
could see it [cl]early) but even the multitude of times that I was proven Right.
They even gave up their own misgivings, hoping to escape blame by you in
service of receiving paltry flattery and favours with strings attached.
Have I done this? Only if
following your example. For we were only ever akin in sheer Semblance. I was
fooled into believing that I had a friend in you. You have no friends. And the People
that you CALL friends serve only YOUR agenda.
Our records, side by side,
will always evidence that. This weblog that you persuaded me to start evidences
that. It is brutal. But it is honest.
TO you there are only factions
and abstractions. People are not people whose Individuality needs to respected
and whose Loyalty deserves to be reciprocated. They are only enemies to be
subverted to your narcissistic Will. Any thing I do out of my own conscience
and indignation, even in trying to SAVE THE LIFE of the girl whom I LOVE, is
only an abstract agenda aimed at subverting your almighty ego. You have no
conscience as I have. The world is only a series of Chess pieces to be
manipulated. And Alanna was just an other sacrifice. Have I not done all I
could do to save her? You fucked her, but you would not even start a band with
her, even if offered to do so by someone who had been your “friend” for five
long years, and who was offering you forgiveness for betraying him. You only
denied betraying me, as though accusing me of having harboured self-interest
even at the moment that I made it clear that my interests were hers. I proved
you wrong when you implied by mistreating her that I did not want her to be
happy, claiming to be treating her this way out of pity and remorse towards me.
Where was that guilt and shame when I proved that I wanted what she wanted?
When I set aside my own pain to save an other? Had it run its course? Or was it
never there, though we wanted to believe? And she must have believed it, for
she swiftly tried to shed her own shame. And I knew you never felt it as she
did. That you lied to a suicidal woman, coupling her suicidal tendencies with
drug abuse, sexual abuse, (for it was muddled up in lies and drugs) and
spiritual abuse (neglect being a symptom of narcissistic abuse), I can never
forgive. Society will not either. Narcissistic abuse syndrome coupled with
suicidal depression and an inflated ego you so carefully manipulated against
the Truth that I had always to supply: this was an act of cold blooded murder.
And to you we are all just egos striving towards our own ends. To you we are
responsible for our choices, but not for yours. Have you not asked us to accommodate
your lying and your debauchery? Are you not responsible for the world that you
co-create with us? Will you not hold yourself accountable for this Hell that we
have had to occupy in your wake?
If I ever followed your example,
it is because that is what friends do. If you actually believe on any level
what you say, and you maintain that I had some Agenda, then know this, you pitiful,
paranoiac freak: you have FAILED to follow my example. My “Agenda” was the
example that I set by Living, which I expected all my friends to follow by
extension of their Loyalty to me. And that proves that it is YOU that was never
a friend to any one, though you demanded that loyalty of us all, and never
delivered it. We are not hypocrites. Though a hypocrite must, by the nature of
hypocrisy, accuse others of this. He must fake emotions, claiming feelings as
though they were thrones towards which he alone is entitled. I had REASON to be
Angry, but to you I had no reason and that justifies your OWN “anger” in
self-defense. You turn every victim into a victory. And you claim spite as a
throne by pretending that the hypocrite is in fact the Man of Reason. But that
you treat the man who HAS Reason to be angry with you (for he has Reason Itself
on his side, having SERVED It Loyally and SUFFERED FOR it through no fault of
either his or Reason’s, but by fault of YOUR Madness) in this way only proves
that to you the only inalienable human right is never to be accused of
anything. It is YOU that takes absolutely no responsibility for itself. Your
microcosm is too petty for us to subvert the Universe to it. And now that I am
free of living in it, I am free likewise of my own mind’s limitations. Never
again will any one like you confine me on false suspicion that was only ever
your own Agenda to begin with. So thanks for that. Though it will not excuse
the rape and murder of the Woman that I Love. And God will in time demonstrate
Justice in my stead. My extremity is His opportunity.
And I believe you KNOW that,
Kresten Xavier Taylor.
Dm.A.A.
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