How does one break a heart? The notion seems like a fantasy to a
mind that has become nearly entirely jaded and mechanical. But this is how: by
saying, oh. I am sorry that you want that. that you have a vision in your mind
of things being a certain way. Or per chance a dim hope on the horizon. Or
worse an inkling that SOME thing special – some thing of which many have
spoken, some thing that felt promised, that felt DESERVED and not arbitrary,
either morally or in terms of taste – would happen. Worst of all: It was not an
inkling but an overwhelming sense of Fate. It felt PRESSING and IMPERATIVE,
primordial and deep. There was no reason to suspect that it would not work, and
one was totally open to what ever it was. One had not looked to it to fill an
imagined hole in one’s heart, but rather one carved out a NEW hole that one
might accommodate the New Hope. And what happens? Too bad. You shall witness
all that you desire. But YOU shall not be involved in it but as a spectator.
And it shall haunt you. For the more you see it the more deeply will grow the
thirst. The more intense the sense of TRAGEDY that that thirst is not assuaged.
And one will know that the Human Will is *SINGULARLY* to blame for the loss.
And worst of all is the gain to the other. For one would not become the other
even if given the choice. That other’s actions ought NEVER to be so rewarded;
he deserves no stake in YOUR reward and birth-right. So what is most torturous
and hellish about watching some one else live your life is not only that you
cannot share in it but that you would not WANT to TAKE it. You would only want
your life to be YOUR life, and you would not consent to switching bodies with
so depraved a person as who would take YOUR life. Some one who all ways felt
threatened by any insight that came to you because HE had not thought of it.
Some one who made you feel silly each time you raised your voice. And some one
who could stare you down with malicious cowardice, as though he were predator
and you were prey, though you were really all ways the stronger Beast and he
were but a parasite.
And one would have to watch what one valued consumed by the
parasite. For the entitlement had emanated from one singular source: That one
KNEW one’s self to be the best possible suitor for that cause. Were it not for
that assurance the situation would be unbearable. But it is not in the nature
of God to make missed takes, only people. Relativism is a child’s escape; to
deny the disparity between right and wrong is to escape all wrongs by
forgetting them. Morality guarantees, if the means justify the ends, that one
would be the Better Choice, and no greater insult can exist than to be denied
that. For so long as one KNOWS then one knows that God at least loves one with
courage and commitment. The capitalist pretends that life is determined by the
playing out of might, and in this skewed view the individual imagines his rival
penetrating his beloved, as he stands by and watches it happen in his mind and
forgets that the images do not correspond to the reality; they are mere burns
from earlier sightings of a lurid intimacy. Yet the moment that one
acknowledges one’s own LOVE to be divinely sanctioned and approved by the Earth
one leaves one’s tortured body. One sees what is REALLY at stake: One’s beloved
is being taken ADVANTAGE of, and through no fault of one’s own one must watch.
Yet in that is retained the dignity of the viewer; in the other narrative the
viewer is equally guilty and yet punished by the other’s reward. Not only is
this unfair because the other is rewarded; the reward ITS SELF is the
punishment. And the mind cannot tolerate that.
This alone entitles me to a chance. For a chance is all ready
reward enough; at any moment it can be made reference to as tipping the scales
in my favour. And without a chance no claim can be made that one was ever NOT
deserving, for no test was administered. So by default one at least DESERVES a
chance. And the simpl[e] knowledge that one deserves a chance cures the broken
heart. For a heart cannot truly break, only our conception of it. A heart that
is truly rooted in love will all ways circulate that blood which carries the
life-blood of the Universe.
Dm.A.A.
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