Final Atonement.

Final Atonement.

Now that the bitterness has abated and I have filled up a third journal, I can live up to my own standards of altruism. I mean you no harm. Believe me.
But bless my scurrying mind for what I have come to realise.
I ought never to repress it. You ought never to condemn it.
And God Knows harm and pain are two different energies.

So if this hurts you, respect it.
As I respected deeply and with rapturous admiration YOUR apology for hurting ME.

You made a convincing but conniving (pardon me) case for saying that I OUGHT to hate you as well, or either hate neither of you. I loathe Nihilism and the Absurdity of it was too much at that moment. But I am calmer now. Pray you read this.

The truth is: From the perspective of the ego(ist), it makes sense. You both conspired and wounded me. But the greatest offense was that last night, a few nights ago, that you and I spoke. Your pro-
clamation seemed to sug-
jest that it was [for] selfish reasons solely that I hated him, and that I should treat you with equal scorn. Not true. When you finally see through (to) him, you shall

see that he hurt you more than either I did or than he helped you. THAT was why I hated him. For you. Because I loved you and I KNEW that he would disappoint you.
I mean you no harm. But understand now that while my use of 'I loved you' may burn your eyes, as though it were a selfish pro-clamation,
it is not so. I love you genuinely. You have no busi-

ness telling me that I never loved you because I suffered and I hated. I suffered for YOU,
not for my own pleasure. I hated the man who I knew would hurt you.

You have been so courageous.
You at least admitted to your insecurities to begin with.
I vow to protect you. From the emotional black holes.

Yes, a woman is innocent in whom she chooses. But by that same virtue she is not the moral arbiter. The man she chooses is. HER conscience deserves to be clean by the end of it. But where harm is dealt, blame must be attributed. I would rather blame Him than all the world that he poisoned you against.
Life is not Absurd. Only life with these self-destructive types.

So if you are innocent by de-
fault, and I am the victim,
then he is guilty. And my earlier point leads to the same path;
they converge on HIS villainy.
(fore give me.) He should have rejected you. It would have hurt you briefly, but in the long term we all would have suffered less. He could have re-
ferred you to the man who loved you. He could have con-
vinced you with that same sway that he

had over you. He could have made a case for me. I was his best and most loyal friend.
And yeah. He could have mentioned that.

When two men love the same woman and they are best friends, it is a tragedy. That he could put me through such pain and feel such joy was a sociopathic symptom.
Empathy and the Golden Rule

both would have told him:
Now you would not want to watch her go off with some one else, would you? How could you put your best friend through that? Had he presumed that I did not care as much for you, it was absolutely arrogant. I never made that presumption;
I knew it. He had only known you for three days. And the following weeks demonstrated that I was empirically correct.

If he knew that I loved you and he presumed my feelings to be of no consequence, it would have been both socio-
pathic AND arrogant of him.
And if he had truly loved you, he would have seen the tragedy of it. That he expected me to pardon him is evidence that he did not.

What a nice day. I love San Diego. You are really an embodi-

ment of all that I love about it.
If you'll pardon the object-
ification.

XOXOXO,
___Dmitry.