Tale of Narcissism:

A Tale of Narcissism:

Why is it that when I argued with Catsup at first about you it seemed so much like he was all ways so near to being right? And then when I retired to listen to an ASMR, looking at this girl, I felt as though she possessed some sort of inexplicable black aura, as though she were part of the same degenerate mass as all other women, and as though I might never touch her, for I was much too pure? Not pure of heart or mind. But rather pure only Within my own mind. Because at every junction I refused to admit her debauchery.

Catsup must possess this skill of making it appear as though he is the more-deserving male. He is a total sociopath. A want-to-be alpha male who is unscrupulous and unyielding.

He was no different the night you first held his hand. And he all ways has this seeming knack for displacing the blame upon the victim. All narcissists forget their boundaries and try to persuade their victims to do so too.

And yet what do I find after I find my self? I visit the same ASMR video. And that aura is entirely absent! I cannot even WILL it into existence!!

And what that aura suggests is Distance. A protective boundary against protection. Against possession.

And yet when I am most meditated I am least possessive! There is no me to possess the other. There is only the divine Mersion. The peace of a kind and gentle love. Without the anxiety to control.

Catsup then appears to have all ways tried to control every detail in both our friendship and our rivalry. Even arguing he does not leave a single avenue uncharted. Why? Did I pretend towards Absolute certainty? Not absolute by his standards. I would not wish to impress an inferior. Now would I?

So what my peace of mind now evidences is in fact that the control originated externally. And it was his. For only several other people have ever made me feel remotely akin to this way.

All that I sought was for him to serve you as he had volunteered to. If he was so convinced of his own qualifications, why hesitate to expend his resources on your behalf??

Prove Me Wrong, Catsup!!

But he gets insecure at the sleightest touch. Unable to part ways with his self he would rather make me king for a day. Like I am the town fool.

So now it is I that is domineering. I am controlling. For demanding justice, I am selfish. For defending you I am arrogant. For condemning you I am a hypocrite. As though I had ever condemned you for any thing but to try to show you your own guilty conscience. As though I had ever condemned him for any reason but to persuade you to surrender that same guilt to him. After all: I knew my self to be blame-less. So from whence emanated these accusations if not your own guilt? And who is HE to judge of me for judging you? Is he not the most aspiring psychologist here, seeking to dismantle my pretensions towards goodness through a reversal of my egoic conception of guilt? Is he not the anti-Christ?


And yet what a breath of relief to find my self a blameless victim. To be at-peace and in love. To be secure. Was this ever his solace? Is this the province of any man who believes his self to be right? Or did that guilt that he had blamed me for not originate within his own heart? And if he did not blame me for it, why condemn me for agreeing with his own heart??


His strategy is cyclical: He is the more deserving of the two, and if I fail to agree, then I am the less deserving. I was no less cyclical, claiming you were wrong for dating some one who was wrong for dating you, and that each wrong stemmed from its partner. But has he not wronged you? Even now I only argue with him over his insistence upon apathy whilst I try to defend your ambitions! And he can only make reference to boyish rivalry from five years prior!!

So one emerges feeling as though one is one's self the control freak and the egoist, undeserving of all of the world's pleasures.

What idiocy!!

My solace is in knowing that it is only my empathy that puts me into this paranoid state, a state not only the product of a dishonest dialogue but all so a walk through the soul of the dishonest of the two interlocutors.


How dread full it must be to dwell CONSTANTLY within this arid realm. Without a friend. Trying with futility to accrue a spiteful harem.

Sigh. I pity you. For the intimacy he pretended to have. That you had pretended to have WITH him.

Dm.A.A.