MEDITATIONS.

MEDITATIONS.

Hetero-elitism, a sort of sexual primitivism, has today delivered me from my karma body. Gone are many of my masturbatory temptations. This weblog is the only remaining vice. I can only have faith in that it functions as guide.

After hours of meditation in the shower I emerged clean, for the first time in over a year. Innocent. Pure.

The liberal environment of college had made me too soft. It promised, by implication, a world of sexual gratification for every one, regardless of virtue and vice. This was meant to breed tolerance for contemptuous perversions.

Foucault’s notions of sexual liberation were interesting but ultimately unsatisfyingly aesthetic and emotive.

To refer to my Beloved as object is inferior. I would rather address her for the rest of eternity as Thou.

Yet vindication is a passion hard to resist.

Yes: I had observed all of the niceties. The courtship had waited for a month prior to our second meeting. By then I was ready to marry her.

Imagine my shock. It was during that same rendezvous that she had developed a liking for my DE JURE best friend. I did not protest. I must have miss-taken my insomnia that night, an unprecedented instance, for the pains of true love. It had never been unrequited.

I trusted my best friend to remain loyal. He would not act, would not dare to act, knowing that I had waited so long. Even if he had not known the month, following the five years of isolation from erotic contact, he might have inferred it. It was certainly a conceivable possibility, being-a-fact. After all: who would dare to advance if not even a month had elapsed? Especially if this first meeting was under auspices arranged by one’s own closest confidant and most cherished friend? Surely he would not have dared to breach our trust. The simplest POSSIBILITY that I loved her would preclude any rash and unapproved action.

Imagine my disappointment.

The year has been laborious. One could pen and entire novel trying to unravel her motives. But they may remain mysterious to me forever. Even my love for her, reciprocated as it may be, may never unravel it.

Not even the sexual act might reveal her heart to me with that sort of exacting totality. But then: may be the empiricists are onto some thing. Perhaps it is too soon for me to extrapolate. For one who preaches the superiority of the coital position to all others, it is stunning to admit that I have only my memories of past lives and my readings to go off of.

It must be wonder-full.

As I have said (if I may speak passionately): My ostensible friend might have easily intuited that a month had past; how else might I have dared intrude upon her schedule?? And even then: how could he have dared, when a month had not yet passed???

I only recall one other instance when I had felt so pure in recent years. That was in that month of courtship, when I abstained from masturbation with considerable pain.

I understand that Nietzsche would Be-disappointed with me. But am I not his peer now in the ivory tower?...

She had used my word. “Entitled”. I ought to have-been less callous. The term, as Chris had corrected me unwittingly[?], was “self-entitled”. And I was never self-entitled. I have succeeded in warranting my expectations. Only an uneducated knave would dismiss my scholarly warrants.

After all: why bother to expend energy in seduction? The act is narcissistic and impure. One had better allow the maiden to come to one’s self, as she had initially met him. On a night of adventure.

How solitary. How sad. How isolating. Have I missed some thing?

Dm.A.A.