Scene
Four: Stirfox.
DRAKE:
Hey, Harry.
HARRY:
Oh hey man how’s it going?
DRAKE:
Splendidly. Though I don’t know that I should be here.
HARRY:
Why not?
DRAKE:
Probably no reason. What about you? Waiting for your guy?
HARRY:
Naww man. I’m thinking about laying off it for a while.
DRAKE:
[Pause.] That heartens me, Harry. It endears you to me greatly.
HARRY:
Yeah but I’m not making any promises.
DRAKE:
Understandable and understood. Hold up. I’ll come back. You inspire me towards
boldness.
DRAKE:
Hello, Francis.
FRANCIS:
Oh hey how’s it going Drake?
DRAKE:
Not badly at all. You don’t mind me being here?
FRANCIS:
Of course not. You’re one of our customers.
DRAKE:
Who’s working tonight?
FRANCIS:
Me. Brandon and Jake.
DRAKE:
Ahh. So that makes us the Four Late Signs.
FRANCIS:
Pardon?
DRAKE:
Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces.
FRANCIS:
Ha, interesting observation.
DRAKE:
So you have a birthday coming up?
FRANCIS:
Just about a week from now.
DRAKE:
Well, happy birthday.
FRANCIS:
THANK you. [walks away.]
DRAKE:
Hey, I’m going to order some thing actually!
FRANCIS:
Oh yeah just one moment. Sorry I’ll be with you right away here.
DRAKE:
No worries; take your time and take it easy.
FRANCIS:
What’ll you be having?
DRAKE:
I’ll order the…
FRANCIS:
So the Caramel Shake?
DRAKE:
Yes. Vegan style if possible.
FRANCIS:
All right. Will that be all for you today?
DRAKE:
Absolutely. Mind if I use your restroom?
FRANCIS:
Not at all. That’s what it’s there for.
DRAKE:
Cool.
JACKSON:
Hey Harry. Have you seen Peter?
HARRY:
Gnaw man.
JACKSON:
I got his stuff here. He keeps ditching out on me.
HARRY:
Probably with Janet.
JACKSON:
Crazy bitch.
HARRY:
Hey man between you and me…
JACKSON:
I know she’s buying this stuff through him. It’s not news to me.
HARRY:
Okay well you did not hear it from me.
JACKSON:
I never do. Man. Those two. Wish that they could keep their uglies in their
trousers right?
HARRY:
I am of no opinion.
JACKSON:
Hold up. I wrote some thing about it. Let me pull it out here.
HARRY:
Pull what out?
JACKSON:
My phone. Chill.
HARRY:
Oh okay.
[Pulls
out phone, scrolls, and reads:]
HARRY:
That’s deep.
JACKSON:
Deeply misogynistic. But still. Any way, call of duty.
HARRY:
Huh?
JACKSON:
I have to take a shit.
HARRY:
The restroom’s occupied I think.
JACKSON:
Is Peter in there?
HARRY:
I told you: I didn’t see him.
JACKSON:
Well. I’ll take your word for it on both accounts. If Peter’s in there when I
come back, then you owe me a coffee.
HARRY:
Man I don’t owe you jack.
JACKSON:
Black coffee then. Only two dollars off your Jew nose. See you soon.
[Harry
knods off. Enter Peter. Peter spots Harry’s cup. He stealthily and swiftly
grabs it, carries it inside, and orders a refill. Francis takes it and Brandon
delivers. As Peter returns Harry awakens.]
PETER:
Hey man have you seen J.J?
HARRY:
Yeah man you just missed him. He was looking for you. You mean the NEW J.J.
right?
PETER:
Yeah.
HARRY:
Like I said: he went to take a dump.
PETER:
That’s pretty visual Harry.
HARRY:
Then my apologies. It’s not our business.
PETER:
Nor will it ever be. He has my stuff?
HARRY:
He had it in a coffee cup I think.
PETER:
One of the Stirfox ones?
HARRY:
Yeah. It looked just like this one.
PETER:
Clever. He is probably off selling to an other buyer.
HARRY:
Janet?
PETER:
Gnaw. She’s doing a return.
HARRY:
Word.
PETER:
That’s clever of him, you know. Using J.J’s old name. Some people didn’t even
realise yet that the OLD J.J. got locked up.
HARRY:
You mean they can’t tell them apart?
PETER:
Well. Not in text.
HARRY:
I guess no one’s irreplaceable.
PETER:
It’s the Circle of Life.
HARRY:
Preach that shit. [He knods off.]
[Jackson
returns frantically.]
JACKSON:
Yo.
PETER:
What up, J.J?
JACKSON:
Call me Jackson.
PETER:
Sure thing. You got the stuff?
JACKSON:
Want to know why I told you: Call me Jackson?
PETER:
You got the stuff, JACKSON?
JACKSON:
No. I am asking you to guess.
PETER:
Why?
JACKSON:
Why guess or why some thing else?
PETER:
Yes.
JACKSON:
Because I just got JACKED, SON.
PETER:
Fuck. For real?
JACKSON:
Yeah man.
PETER:
I think you’re lying.
JACKSON:
I’m NOT dude. I open the cup and all the stuff’s gone.
PETER:
Some one cleaned your cup?
JACKSON:
Some one cleaned my fucking cup.
PETER:
Who you think did it?
JACKSON:
May be Harry. May be Janet. I don’t know.
PETER:
Harry’s been here the whole time.
JACKSON:
May be him. But may be Janet.
PETER:
Hey.
JACKSON:
I know that she’s your girl.
PETER:
Rather I mean to say that she’s been doing a return this whole time.
JACKSON:
You know: why do you two do that?
PETER:
Beg your pardon?
JACKSON:
You know. Partner in crime. Does it turn her on that you’re a criminal?
PETER:
Well look you are in no position to talk.
JACKSON:
Unless you jacked my product.
PETER:
Bro I wasn’t even HERE.
JACKSON:
Oh, yeah? How much for that coffee?
PETER:
It was fifty cents a refill.
JACKSON:
I’ll give you two dollars for it. [withdraws cash.]
PETER:
Man I don’t need your charity.
JACKSON:
You are homeless.
PETER:
I’m well taken care of.
JACKSON:
Know what? That is your entire problem.
PETER:
Come again? [aroused.]
JACKSON:
Yeah. But you know what? It’s not only you. It’s your whole generation. You
just epitomize it.
PETER:
What am I epitomizing exactly, by your estimation?
JACKSON:
I was about to tell you. Though I don’t feel like it any more.
PETER:
Well. I should like to know now that you’ve brought it up.
JACKSON:
Nevermind.
PETER:
No. Do tell, Jackson.
JACKSON:
Okay okay okay okay FINE. I’ll TELL you. Jesus.
PETER:
I’m listening.
JACKSON:
You say “oh. I’m so WELL TAKEN CARE OF.” You SETTLE. You know that girl is
using you. But you pretend that you owe her your loyalty. Like she has been SO
kind to you. Like she has never screwed you over in your past.
PETER:
Hey man. Just so you know. None of what you are saying is news to me.
JACKSON:
I know that. I know. But listen: I used to say that all the time. I would say
that about my room-mate. I was GRATEFUL. But he wasn’t. So he kicked me out one
day and I had nowhere to go. I was STUNNED.
PETER:
When did this happen?
JACKSON:
Don’t interrupt. My point is: never settle for less. All ways negotiate for
more. And DON’T ever pass up two dollars. [throws upon the ground.] Never
settle. Because the people who “take care of you” don’t want to. They don’t
care that you are grateful. They are NOT grateful for you. It’s like dogs. You
think they are perfect. But when you aren’t looking and you’re walking them, or
THEY are walking YOU, you know what they do?
PETER:
Take a shit?
JACKSON:
They EAT shit.
PETERSON:
Like: literally? Or like they bump into a Parking Sign Pole?
JACKSON:
LITERALLY dick-weed. What do I look like? A skater?
PETERSON:
Vaguely.
JACKSON:
Well. Believe me. When you least expect it. Dogs eat shit.
PETERSON:
I all ways watch the dog when I walk a dog.
JACKSON:
Believe me. It’s when you least expect it. [Gets up to leave.]
PETERSON:
All ways. I all ways watch the dog.
[Exit
Jackson Jacobsen.]
[Janet
appears.]
PETER:
How did it go?
JANET:
What do you mean?
PETER:
I mean: the return.
JANET:
I got us an Uber. Get ready to go.
PETER:
You’re not going to tell me about the return?
JANET:
I just told you.
PETER:
You told me you got us a taxi.
JANET:
With whose money?
PETER:
I don’t know. Am I supposed to guess?
JANET:
Just grab your stuff. Did you get me a coffee?
PETER:
I was ABOUT to babe. But all that they would give me was the Black.
JANET:
Forget it then.
PETER:
You seem mad.
JANET:
I’m not. Just we’re in a hurry.
PETER:
YOU are. I’m here thinking.
JANET:
Can you think out loud in the car?
PETER:
I don’t think our driver wants drama.
JANET:
And you think *I* do?
PETER:
I guess. It relates to you.
JANET:
Who’s talking?
PETER:
Are you saying I don’t have the right to voice my concerns?
JANET:
No. I don’t mean “look who’s talking”. I mean: who’s talking about me?
PETER:
No one. Well. Not literally.
JANET:
So figuratively?
PETER:
I mean: look. All my life I’ve said I’m “taken care of”. I said that about my
parents. Then they kicked me out. And you know what? I should have fought them.
So that they’d respect me like I used to think they did. I deserved love.
JANET:
Well. You have me now. And I love you. So quit fighting.
PETER:
I guess. I love you too, babe.
JANET:
Uber’s here.
PETER:
Let’s bounce.
JANET:
Hey. I’m the one who says that.
PETER:
Sorry.
JANET:
Apology accepted.
PETER:
It felt good to say it for once though.
JANET:
It does. You know. Once.
PETER:
Let’s say it together next time.
JANET:
On the count of three. Deal.
PETER:
*I* took care of THEM.
JANET:
Yes. I believe you. Let’s go.
PETER:
On the count of three?
JANET:
One.
PETER:
Two.
JANET:
Three.
BOTH:
Let’s bounce!
PETER:
You said it more loudly.
JANET:
Because I mean it more strongly. Come on Peter.
[They
exit.]
[Our
Hero returns.]
BRANDON:
Hey, what were you DOING in there?
DRAKE:
Just using the restroom.
BRANDON:
You were in there for FIFTEEN MINUTES.
DRAKE:
I heard knocking.
BRANDON:
You STEPPED out and then WENT BACK IN.
DRAKE:
I checked to see who was knocking. No one appeared.
BRANDON:
PEOPLE were WAITING.
DRAKE:
Okay. Fuck it.
[exits
Stirfox.]
Dm.A.A.
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