A Cosmic Joke:

You called me a joke…

You Called ME a joke...

YOU called ME a joke!

At first I found this incomprehensible and demeaning.

A person is not a turn of phrase aimed at the fulfillment of a comedic function.

But I gave it some thought.

As with all neurotic claims it said something of YOU.

It was YOU that held hands with and even WENT SO FAR AS TO PENETRATE THE FLESH OF the woman that I was courting. It was YOU that had WILLFULLY and KNOWINGLY (whilst I was unaware of even the possibility, for my mind customarily blocks out insane paranoid fantasies) benefited at MY expense. It WAS YOU that exploited my kindness, my trust, my faith, and above all: my purity.

I WAS A VIRGIN.

And so was she.

BUT YOU WERE NOT.

You did not even intend to MARRY her! You would not even LET HER JOIN YOUR BAND, even though that was WHAT SHE WANTED!!!

And you refuse to either bring her to me nor to sever ties with her with FINALITY, even though that’s what I WANTED and I STILL WANT.

YOU are the joke! You are the ubiquitous laughing stock of the human community!! YOU have violated every moral imperative known to Man!!! YOU are the sitcom character. YOU are the consumer product!

YOU ARE THE JOKE NOW.

It was YOU that took her VIRGINITY!

And so you answer now to me! You know why?

BECAUSE I AM STILL A VIRGIN.

Who is laughing now?!?

So think not to displace this onto ME.

Think NOT to hold me accountable for what I “would have done” when it was YOU that DID.

Think NOT to accuse of harbouring selfish motives, of “ONLY being mad” that I did not get what *I* wanted, when YOU OUGHT TO HAVE WANTED ME TO HAVE IT.

Think NOT that your own selfishness has not been found out by everyone. That it has not been EXPOSED for ALL to see now. And that my name has not been cleared.

And think NOT that you can at once accuse me of “wanting the same thing” and yet condemn ME for not getting what *I’d* wanted, when had we truly WANTED THE SAME THING then never would this unthinkable conflict of wills have arisen. For then we would have both been in agreement about who should deserve to be with her. And THAT would have been THE SAME THING, without any confusion about that one decisive factor: who was the Truly Entitled and Deserving.

And it was YOUR fault that I got not what I wanted.

It was YOUR fault that I was condemned to this misery.

Because I DID deserve it. And I have no doubt of it now.

And neither does she. Neither does any one.

Who’s laughing now?

YOU are the degenerate accusing the just man of his own injustice.

And the entire WORLD laughs upon you now.

And let me tell you now what WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

I would have eloped with Alanna.

I would have known the pleasures of the flesh and the nobility of the Spirit.

And everyone would have won.

You would have probably died alone.

But you had HAD love, and even sex.

You admitted whilst intoxicated that you’d slept with A LOT OF WOMEN. How laughable!

And you likewise had ADMITTED To having been unfaithful to Bianca.

How absurd!!

And now you think to use her rightful decision to MARRY AN OTHER as self-justification?

What a Joke.

All THREE of us would have benefited had it not been for you. Each would have received the Proper Due.

You could have married Bianca when you had the chance.

But you did not intend to. And neither did you intend to marry Alanna.

So she shall never again touch you.

And I sleep well at night knowing that Justice was Served.

Would it be cruel now to laugh at YOUR expense?

So think not to ask me what I would have done in YOUR PLACE.

I’ll never BE in YOUR PLACE. I’ve never BEEN in YOUR PLACE.

You were ALL ways beneath me. It is clear to everybody now.

Think not to ask me what you were supposed to do…

I was innocent. As was she.

But YOU were guilty of both adultery and faithlessness.

And that these two things should even be two separate things in your case speaks volumes of your illness.

It was adultery enough that you had slept with Bianca without having become betrothed to her.

It was faithless enough, though you were not yet betrothed to Bianca, that you slept with Madeleine. And that was adulterous too!

Normally a man cheats on his wife and becomes both adulterous and unfaithful. YOU managed incredibly to be adulterous with the very woman that was supposed to BE your wife!!! And faithlessness came only later. Or were you all ready courting some one ELSE when you and Bianca consummated?!? No one can know. That is how far you have fallen.

Had you married Bianca then Madeleine, your mistress, would have been your adulteress. But it turns out that BIANCA was your adulteress long before you even HAD a mistress, for you were NOT EVEN MARRIED TO BIANCA!! How DARE you to use her as an excuse? Would you marry Alanna at this very moment, just to PROVE what little worth you can salvage?!?

If you managed to be both adulterer and faithless at once, it was only because you betrayed the first woman you had ever courted, and only if that same woman had never lost her innocence to you. And that would only have been the case had you consummated the betrayal, turning mere faithlessness into what was surely the first in a long line of adulteries.

AND *I* AM THE JOKE?

Alanna said that Christ was a false prophet and that the Bible had been written by the Devil.

Perhaps.

But what is ironic is that all three of my frequent readers whose acquaintance I have – You, Tony, and Arthur – have attested time and time again to being Christians.

So perhaps Alanna was right.

Perhaps you are all servants of Satan:

Pharisees and Hypocrites.

But I disagree with her.

Because it is not laughable to be just.

It is not laughable to be Moral.

It is not laughable to be FAIR!

It is laughable rather to PRETEND to these things and then to prove one’s own pretense by dismissing the ACTUALITY of Goodness as THOUGH it were mere pretense. For by such a dismissal one PROVES one’s own degeneracy; far from possessing the Goodness one advocates, one acts as though it DID NOT EXIST IN THE REALM OF ACTUALITY.

But it does.

And now you shall stand trial in answering to it.

For you shall not hold others to your standards only that you might exploit the Good and Trusting who want to hold you in such high regard as you hold others.

Alanna KNOWS that it was all ways YOU that acted the part of the Christian Saviour. She KNOWS that I had been humble and innocent in believing you, and that it was nothing in excess of Righteous Indignation that had produced the person I am now. She KNOWS that all the moral violence was your own device, and that I had possessed enough TRUE Purity to have never been so vainglorious and condescending. But that I had expected Purity of you because I trusted you to be a man of your word. She knows these words were lies and devices. And she is no longer fooled by you. She is no longer yours.

But there is a silver lining.

For while she saw through you as I could not, she all so saw the Potentiality in you that I forbid her to.

And that was because I have a way of enlightening people to True Virtue.

So even as I became disillusioned with you in toto she began to believe in you.

And it was because I had seen Good in BOTH of you.

But I knew it when you’d turned from it.

This Goodness was not of my own device.

It was not an attempt to win her into my bed.

Keep in mind: these sins are yours, not mine.

I remain a Virgin.

She simply belonged to me.

And now I know not how many lifetimes I must wait again for Justice.

I know not if this Soul shall ever again incarnate in a body that will know the Sexual Act.

I had my opportunity and you stole it.

But it matters not now.

She knows now that Goodness is NOT pretense. She knows that it is NOT a mask. It is NOT an act.

Yes: YOU pretend to it. YOU used it as a mask. YOU acted the part.

As did she.

But I was not really FOOLED by either of you.

I might have fooled myself a bit. But that was all.

And it was not without its merit…

The fact of your pretense does not preclude the fact of a True Purity.

That people PRETEND towards purity does not invalidate its existence.

So no one is justified in questioning your pretense.

And I was not so foolish as I would appear.

I was not so foolish to trust you.

I was not so foolish to trust her.

And I was not so foolish to nurture Goodness within my own self.

And she sees now what Christ was REALLY all about.

So thank you.

Though I thank you now at your expense.

You brought this upon yourself.

And God is laughing with me at you.

Dm.A.A.