REPLY:

Well: I can't pretend that I didn't expect more. Perhaps I hoped for it?

All of what you wrote was a lie, but then your utter lack of sympathy for the truth of my perspective makes it apparently so.

That is not even the issue.

You just don't get it. You only reply now with the usual condescension. But was it not you that freaked out when the band broke up? Was it not you that insisted that I had no right to stay mad at you?

Admit it: you have never tried to help me. Your view of independence is totally skewed. I did not need you for a ride home that day. You PRESUMED that I did.

And the reason that you do not value parenthood as an entitlement is that you live in fear of ever becoming a parent.

Your reply is entirely defensive. It is not apologetic. It confesses nothing. It marginalizes me entirely. And then it blames ME for the marginalization!

But face it: you betrayed me. All this time I thought you were trying to avenge it. But you were petty. You were arrogant. And you were a total narcissist.

You still are. And you were never self-reliant. You needed me more than I needed you, but you had not the courage to admit it.

You loved her less than I loved her. And still you have no courage to admit it.

It is obvious that you missed my entire point for writing this. You try to condemn me. Constantly you do. I only tried to maintain some sense of moral order.

I am more informed in this study than you are. My weblog was your idea. There was a time that you respected my wisdom.

This is the result of my pain and the courage I have had to muster to develop a unique ethic. It is better than having none. And I've gotten here on the shoulders of giants. Have you ever even climbed one? You pretend towards knowledge but I've called your bullshit plenty times.

I was your friend. It is you that fails to acknowledge the need to change and to atone. And yet do not flatter yourself about my entire blog. Its scope is far beyond any thing YOU are concerned with. Thank you for alleviating my worries with the old adolescent bullshit. You are a fine shrink. I know where you get it from.

You wound up supporting Hitler and condemning your entire generation. Was I wrong to notice your Fascism early?

Don't try to bullshit me, Taylor.

All you do is defend yourself. So *I* lacked courage? Bitch please. I won't go into all I did for Alanna. You can read my blog and see for yourself. Go on. Read it and weep. What's Truth to you? Nothing you're ever afraid of. Right?

I've held you to your word. But apparently you are too independent to be held to any thing. Even when you level you one-up. Now you admit you are dependent, but at LEAST you never claimed otherwise! But why condemn it then? What sloth.

I met her by the Will of God. Once you spoke for Him. Now I guess He doesn't talk to you any more. Of course: you defied Him.

Yes: He wants me to be happy. You said that once too. But He has a Plan for us.

I met her because I broke away from the Group and wandered. I found courage that even now you continue to condemn in me. And I had the courage to trust you. But you were much too arrogant and selfish to reciprocate my trust.

And you presumed that I had waited not out of wisdom but out of cowardice.

The cowardice was yours.

The fault was yours.

The arrogance was yours.

The delusion was yours.

And that she believed it is more a testament to her innocence than to any skill YOU possess.

And she has attested to this. Because I earned her trust.

So convenient it was for YOU!! You even thought *I* did this for YOUR sake!

I guess Godlessness all ways had to settle for something.

You still owe me an apology. To this day you depend upon me. To this day you creep in the corners waiting to use what I have found through my own courage.

I learned from Alexandra. I learned not to rush. And knowing how it hurt you I thought that you would have learned as well.

But you never learn. Not even after reading my entire blog apparently.

I mean: how else can you speak for all of it with such reductionistic glee?

I wouldn't put it past you if you read it all. It was your idea after all. Certainly got more done than you ever did for me. And yes: you owed me for all the fucked up situations that you put me in because you lack any thing resembling a consistent moral compass.

This instance is but one last example of that. And while we're being rational: what was the mature motive for destroying my first keyboard? Was it not there on HER behalf as well?

I need no cleverness to smoke you out of hiding. The light of truth suffices. Humanity suffices. Even Rob said you were not a person any more. A hollow shell of what you once were. A virus that infects those who tried to help him. Inconsiderate of their needs and their rights, for he is an emotional black hole (her words) that cannot see beyond the mountains of his self-inflicted misery. So that he cannot surmount them enough to apologize to those upon whom HE inflicted misery.

It's so easy to be politically correct. And Republicans really ARE the most politically correct people. It is the stern stoicism of an imperial conscience.

I know you did not write this for me.

You wrote it with the fear that some one else would see through you.

You know I believe none of it.

I have no reason to.

But you won't win this.

Do yourself a favour and give up.

Stop defending yourself. It's only a speck in the cosmos.

It was not cowardice that brought her to Kettle. It was trust. It was good will. It was enthusiasm and hope. It was Life.

And it was What She Wanted.

You possessed none of these qualities.

And she saw that.

Had I not been loyal to you for years, I would have warned her.

This blog is for her now. Not for you.

And still you act as though it were all about you! As though it were my fault! But who wronged whom? Would you not pretend towards morality just to get What You Want, at all costs? Of course; you did. Your actions simply never lived up to those spiritual heights. Mine do. So displace no more blame upon me. We both know where the Shame is situated.

WHY am I at fault? You've only really mentioned yourself and how I affected you. Even now you bite your own critique.

You barely think to acknowledge my true motives: love for an other. SHE was never much to you. So why did I lose her to you? Error. Sin. All of which she has admitted, but you have not. As I knew she would.

So it's really all about YOU now. And that is all you want. But that will no longer be the case.

Stay away from Alanna. That much was my message. You are not good at emulating a human being. So quit trying.

Dm.A.A.